How to navigate sober socialising
Especially if you're an introvert like me
This is Part Two of my piece on sober socialising. Read Part One here.
There was a time when I couldn’t fathom socialising without alcohol. The terror of showing up as myself was too great. The fear of rejection. The fear of feeling the feelings of anxiety, awkwardness, fear… Of showing up just as myself.
It took a lot of practice and a lot of courage to get to the point where it didn’t occur to me to have a drink before a social event. And in that process I learned a lot about myself, such as realising I’m actually quite introverted and need time alone to recharge. Three hours of socialising is my limit and then I get exhausted and need to leave. I usually don’t like going out in the evenings and would much prefer a coffee/lunch date or a walk with someone. I don’t really like parties - I find them overwhelming and not the right environment to make deep connections with people. But I LOVE having deep chats with a friend in the daytime, going on walks with people, and feeling real, uninterrupted connection with someone I love.
Here are some more thoughts and ideas on the journey to learning to socialise sober:
Don’t be in two minds about it. If you say ‘oh, maybe I won’t drink at the party/work event/dinner’ or ‘I’ll try not to drink’ you will almost certainly drink. Draw a line in the sand. Make your decision and stick to this. Say: ‘At this event, I am absolutely not going to drink.’ It makes it more simple then. Remember your commitment to yourself, remember your promise and keep that promise.
Visualise the event beforehand: see yourself showing up, ordering an alcohol free drink, laughing with people and having a good time. If you go to events feeling deprived and miserable, this reinforces the idea that alcohol is the thing that makes social events happy. You need to go in with a positive and curious attitude and see if you have a good time without alcohol.
We give alcohol credit for the good feelings we have at parties, or festivals, or being in a pub garden with friends, or by the pool on holiday. Is alcohol really responsible for those happy times, or is it connection with friends, laughter and sunshine that created those good feelings? When you go to events sober: really tap into that. Notice the moments when you feel happy and joyful. Savour them. These are moments of true presence, true joy. Alcohol takes us away from that experience; it doesn’t bring us closer to it.
Consider: when you were a kid did you need alcohol to have fun? What things did you used to love doing as a kid? Could you imagine yourself enjoying that again? Kids are amazing: they get a thrill from spinning around on the spot and sticking their tongues out to catch raindrops. They squeal with excitement at a log shaped like a crocodile. They get immersed in drawing, building things, running and exploring. You were like that once: alcohol-free and happy. And it’s all still within you.
Often social situations last only a few hours. I notice that I can worry for days or even weeks before a social event, worrying about the future feelings of being awkward and anxious. I suddenly realised I’ve been spending SO MUCH TIME worrying about an event that will only last a few hours! What would it be like to say ‘I’m scared, but it’s going to be OK’ and just show up and see how it goes.
Often I notice that I am worried about feeling anxious, but I am already feeling anxious! The feeling I’m afraid of is already here. And can I hold it? Is it OK? Yes. It feels uncomfortable. It feels like my heart racing, a bit of nausea, tension in my belly. What happens if I sigh deeply, close my eyes, put one hand on my heart and one on my belly and say ‘something in me is feeling anxious’?
One of the ways I quell my anxiety is to focus on other people, rather than what I’m going to say about myself. Rather than thinking I have to come across as funny and interesting and intelligent, I make a plan to be curious about other people and their experience. To commit to asking questions and really listening. That takes the pressure off immensely.
I also find it hugely helpful to remember that, mostly, people don’t care nearly as much as you think they do. It’s likely that most other people, or everyone to some extent, is worrying about the same stuff you are before a social event e.g. ‘Will people like me?’ How normal, how human! We all want to belong. We need to belong. What if, just by showing up as yourself, you believed you belong? That you are a lovable and likeable person - with all your quirks? What if people love you for your quirks? What if people love you when you show up shy or grumpy? Imagine that.
Take care of yourself and make a plan.
Meditate/ground yourself before going to an event.
Decide what you’re going to drink beforehand. I always go for sparkling water personally but there are now so many interesting alcohol-free options.
Take a break when you need to - go outside or go to the bathroom.
Leave when you feel your energy waning or when other people are two or more drinks in.
And if you’re feeling like you’re at risk of drinking, definitely leave. Remember: you never regret not drinking.
Maybe you, like me, prefer one-on-one conversations and would prefer to hang out with people in the daytime rather than late into the evening. Maybe you have a lot less energy for socialising than you thought you did. Maybe you actually need a lot of time alone in between socialising, and time to decompress and process afterwards. That’s all OK! That’s so OK.
Society sends us the message we should all be extroverted and there’s something wrong with us if we like spending time alone. Also, FOMO is real - I get it. But if you need to take a drug to push past your tiredness and anxiety, then I’d say it’s not really worth it. Maybe you end up going out less and maybe you even have fewer friendships (especially if some were just based around drinking), but it’s likely the ones you do have are real and deep.
This is all stuff that I’ve found helpful. And I’ll caveat it by saying that, as you can tell, I’m not exactly a raver and I have a four-year-old son and I’m tired - so tired! - most of the time. So if you’re reading this and thinking: oh my god this sounds so boring! I want to go out dancing and raving still! You can TOTALLY do that and there are loads of cool sober raves etc out there. But you’ll have to Google that yourself because I can’t help you there. I will be watching Bake Off and going to bed at 10:30. #rocknroll
Over to you…
Do you have some more tips for sober socialising? Or things you’ve found challenging? Please do share in the comments!
'Alcohol gives me confidence': is it true?
We learn from when we’re kids watching adults ‘loosen up’ after a few glasses of wine: alcohol is necessary for socialising. It’s ‘liquid courage’; a ‘social lubricant’. It’s the fun juice we have to have to enjoy lunches, dinners, parties, weddings. It’s the bravery…
If you’re new here - welcome. I’m so grateful to you for reading my words. I’m Ellie: a sober coach, mentor, mother and writer living in Lewes, East Sussex, UK. I support courageous women to break free from alcohol for good and step into the life they were always meant to live.
A Little Fantastic contains personal stories, supportive practices and information on what alcohol actually does to our precious bodies.
If you would like support on your own journey with 1:1 sober coaching you can find out more on my website.
The going back to being a kid thing works really well. Especially at kids birthday parties. Be the goofball who plays with the kids. Also, I second the “visualize the event.” I’m gonna do X, and Y, and Z, and then I’m done. I’m leaving. And if I show up and there is no X, Y, or Z, then I just leave.
Great piece, important topic! Become friends with Club Soda and lime!