'Alcohol gives me confidence': is it true?

It takes true bravery to show up as yourself

Dancing sober at my wedding in 2019, probably to Bruce Springsteen’s Dancing in the Dark

We learn from when we’re kids watching adults ‘loosen up’ after a few glasses of wine: alcohol is necessary for socialising. It’s ‘liquid courage’; a ‘social lubricant’. It’s the fun juice we have to have to enjoy lunches, dinners, parties, weddings. It’s the bravery drink we need to cope with public speaking. It’s the necessary drug to take to be able to do things that scare us, including connecting with other human beings.

To break free from alcohol, we need to take a look at whether any of this is true.

The apparent confidence people feel from alcohol is because:

• the drug suppresses the part of our brain that looks out for danger and risk. For human beings social rejection is a very real threat. When our brain is temporarily unable to assess threat, we behave in ways that seem confident but are actually due to a reduced awareness of reality.

• alcohol artificially and temporarily (for about 30 mins after the first drink) causes a feeling of euphoria and relaxation. This temporary relief from stress makes people feel more open to socialising or doing things outside their comfort zone.

As your body tries to recalibrate it releases chemicals like cortisol and adrenalin, making you want to drink more to feel good again. The more we drink, the greater the sedative affect on our brain and body and our judgement becomes further impaired. The more people drink the more they are likely to engage in risky behaviour - from saying something rude to a friend, to going home with a stranger, or getting behind the wheel of a car.

It’s a risky game to play isn’t it? If you just have a bit, if you could only manage to control how much you drink - then maybe you could get the confidence boost without then going too far? Of course, you’ll still get the messed up sleep and a moderate hangover, but it’s worth it to loosen up with friends right?

A small spanner in the works: alcohol is one of the most addictive and harmful drugs that exist. Anyone who drinks alcohol regularly is at risk of addiction.

Another thing to consider is this: what is the cost of using a drug to mimic confidence, instead of building true confidence within yourself? What is the cost to you personally? Is it worth it?

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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

From socialising drunk to socialising sober

Many of us - myself included - started to use alcohol when we were teenagers. When our brains were going through rapid development. When we were learning social skills and how to be in relationship with others. How much of our growth was affected by the regular use of this drug? How many of us learned that alcohol seemed to be necessary in order to socialise with other people?

We didn’t learn to develop true confidence in ourselves. Confidence that comes from self-belief and positive self-regard. From trusting ourselves and knowing that we are likeable, we are worthy of belonging, just as we are. For me, drinking came from a place of low self-worth. Of believing that I was not likeable or worthy of friendships and connection, so I had to hide my true self by using a drug to shut down parts of my brain.

When I started to break free from the drug, I had to explore whether these beliefs I had long held about myself were true. And, excruciating as it was, I had to test it out. I had to show up at parties sober - feeling like I was naked and reality was in sharp definition. Was it OK to be as I was? Did people like me as I was? Was it OK to show up feeling anxious and awkward?

A big realisation for me was when I realised: ‘Ellie, you’re not even giving people a chance to get to know the real you.’ And I had to give them a chance.

You know what I uncovered, of course - otherwise I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this, happily five years sober. YES it was uncomfortable. YES it was a process and took practice. And YES it was all OK! What had felt so terrifying was actually… fine. Because the other big realisation I had was: people don’t care nearly as much as we think they do.

All the agonising I used to do! Making sure I looked attractive and cool, making sure I was interesting and funny, making sure I was making myself a ‘likeable’ version of me. Looking back, I see it as hilariously egocentric. Because the truth is, most people feel anxious before and during social events, to some degree. It’s so normal, and so OK. I realised people were worrying about themselves in the same way I was worrying about myself. We all arrive at the party with big smiles but I think, inside, most of us are wishing and hoping we will be liked, loved and accepted for who we are.

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Photo by Julentto Photography on Unsplash

True confidence

Being brave isn’t taking a drug that temporarily inhibits your ability to feel fear. Being brave is feeling afraid and doing something anyway. True growth happens when we show ourselves we can do things that scare us; things we find hard.

We can step outside of our comfort zone, try something new, and look back and go ‘wow - I really did that!’ My self-trust and self-confidence grew so much from going to social events sober.

Parties, dinners, weddings - everything I’d been so afraid of before, that seemed so impossible was - fine! They definitely come with periods of discomfort and anxiety. And also feelings of joy and connection. And then I get tired and fed up, usually by the three-hour mark. Sober, I can experience a whole range of emotions rather than the increasing sedation, tunnel vision and memory loss that drinking induces.

The confidence you develop when you quit drinking is the real deal. And it builds and builds. Every time you do something truly brave: whether that’s socialising sober, public speaking sober, asking someone on a date sober - this all builds self-trust. You are proving to yourself you CAN do these things and you ARE confident!

The part that wants to drink says: You can’t show up as yourself. You’re not likeable, you’re not lovable. You can’t do hard things. You’re weak. You need to use a drug to hide yourself. You need to use a drug to get you to do things you’re scared of.

Fierce compassion says: You can do hard things.

Fierce compassion says: I’ve got you. I believe in you. You’re scared, and that’s OK. It’s OK to show up as yourself. It’s OK to feel afraid. You are so brave for doing this.

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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

True connection

Alcohol is called a ‘social lubricant’ and adverts and movies promote the idea that drinking brings us together. And in real life it can seem as though, after the initial awkwardness at the beginning of a meal or party, alcohol helps people to loosen up.

I’ve actually noticed that once people have been hanging out together for a bit they naturally relax anyway, without alcohol. And the beautiful thing about that is that they’re showing up as themselves, with all the multifaceted parts of their personalities. And yes, that might include awkwardness and shyness. That’s OK.

Instead of expecting ourselves and others to be energetic and positive at social events, what if we all just showed up as we are? Can we love and accept each other when we’re feeling awkward, nervous, tired or grumpy? Can we love and accept ourselves when we’re feeling these things?

When people drink together, they appear relaxed, confident and are certainly chatty - but their brains have been hijacked by a drug. They are moving further away from each other. Their eyes are glazing over. They are behaving differently. They blurt things out they wouldn’t normally say. Being a sober person when people have had more than two drinks is an eye-opening experience. It’s like watching people slowly lose themselves and lose connection to each other.

Those apparently ‘deep’ drunk conversations: do you remember them the next day? Do they create a sense of deep connection with that person over time?

What difference do you notice when you have sober conversations with a loved one? When you both show up vulnerably, honestly and just as you are? How do you feel afterwards? Do you remember it? Does the relationship feel deeper because of that truly honest conversation?

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Some extra bits to look out for…

More tips

I will be posting a second piece on Sunday with some more tips for navigating social situations sober - so look out for that.

Your free self-compassion guide

You can download your self-compassion guide for free when you sign up to my newsletter on my website. Developing self-compassion is absolutely key for building confidence and self-trust, and the foundation of lasting sobriety.

Sober meet-up in Brighton next month

Me and Jeni from The Sober Living Guide are hosting a sober social at Love Fit Cafe in Brighton, UK at 10am on Saturday 8th Feb.

Let us know if you’re planning to come - we’d love to meet you!

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