How quitting alcohol transformed my mental health

The single biggest thing I've done to change my life for the better

This didn’t go to plan…

When I started writing this, I planned to write a fairly surface level, motivational piece about how quitting drinking has improved my mental health. How I have vastly lower levels of anxiety and a far more balanced mood. How I have learned how to take care of myself in a loving way when I experience any kind of emotional pain (which, truthfully, is still often). And what a gift all that is.

All that is true. 100% true. But what I’ve ended up doing, as so often happens when I write, is revealing far more than I’d thought I would. Of showing you a window into how I was feeling in my early 20s. And it’s not as palatable or perhaps even as universal as I had intended it to be.

I want to spread the word that quitting booze will benefit your mental health - however much or little you currently drink. I want to challenge the idea that drinking within government guidelines is totally fine and a harmless treat (it isn’t). And part of me wants to say: I’ve been there, thinking the occasional glass of wine is fine! That’s my story too!

But the truth is - that isn’t my story. In my story, alcohol rapidly became a problem, a big problem, for me at the age of 19 and continued to be a problem for over a decade. My mental health was - understandably, given my experiences in life - not in a good way, and alcohol made it so much worse. What I worry is that people who think they aren’t drinking that much will read this and say: oh I wasn’t that bad. I’m not an alcoholic. I’m fine! But you don’t have to be ‘that bad’ to reap the endless benefits of sobriety.

So here is some of my story: a dark and jagged little piece of it. And if it gives you comfort because you can’t see yourself in it, please scroll down further to the heading ‘Alcohol and anxiety’ to read how alcohol makes anxiety, depression and stress so much worse.

And if you’re intrigued, you can book a 30 minute, no-strings-attached chat with me, or find out more at www.ellie-nova.com

Please note: I don’t go into too much detail, but obviously this post has discussions of issues around mental health that may bring up emotion and/or memories for you. So please be aware of this and take care of yourself as you need to

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Photo by Rock'n Roll Monkey on Unsplash

A belief in brokenness

There was a time, in my early 20s, when I thought that I was never going to be happy. I thought that the near-permanent state of hopeless despair I was in was just how I was going to experience being alive until the day I died. I wanted help so much. I just wanted to feel OK.

But the message - explicit and implicit - that I was getting from many people around me was that all of the pain I was feeling was due to a sickness. A malfunctioning. That there was something wrong with me that needed to be fixed. There was a lot of judgement, yes, but there were also a lot of well-meaning people, including health professionals, who perpetuated this idea.

I was told I had depression and anxiety. That I needed to take antidepressants, have weekly counselling, do CBT, have hypnotherapy, acupuncture, do yoga, go swimming, do meditation. Of course these things are mostly great and can be really helpful. But not so great for me - because I was using them to try to stop myself feeling what I was feeling. To stop myself being who I was. Whenever I asked for help, I felt like I was being told, over and over: Just for God’s sake fix yourself so you stop causing so much trouble! There was little talk of grief or trauma and how I had adapted to cope with these things.

Of course I was also stuck in a cycle of deeply harmful drinking that I had no idea how to get out of. My innocent brain had developed a belief that alcohol was the thing that was helping me the most. All that other stuff I was being told to do didn’t seem to be working. I still woke each day with a feeling of terror racing through my body, consumed by thoughts of self-hatred. And alcohol seemed to be the one thing that quietened it all down.

Of course, it was always a temporary relief. Alcohol was making everything a million, billion times worse. I knew that - yet, I couldn’t stop drinking. My brain believed that alcohol was necessary for my survival. No matter how much it was harming me. I was being told I needed to stop drinking, I knew I needed to stop drinking. But how?? I wanted to scream. Fucking HOW?? Nobody seemed to have an answer. I felt like such a failure. The shame was corroding my will to be alive.

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How far I’ve come

When I think about her, that younger me, I want to wrap my arms around her and say: it’s OK. You’re going to be OK. I wish I could tell her all the things I know now. I wish I could tell her how to take care of herself. How she wasn’t broken or sick. That her pain made sense. Her drinking made sense. And that there was a way out of it all.

Dana Leigh Lyons

recently wrote about how much she has changed since quitting drinking. It made me reflect back on how different I am now compared to that lost 21 year old I used to be. And how different I am now to the lost 30 year old I used to be, just on the cusp of a discovery that would change her life forever.

You probably know the story by now. I read This Naked Mind and began my journey to break free from alcohol for good. It wasn’t just about quitting drinking. This was when I really, truly began to make sense of my past, of my pain; of everything I was experiencing that was causing me so much suffering. I had had therapy for years, but it was quitting drinking that truly propelled me to a complete transformation of my self.

Sobriety is radical self-care

It’s incredible for me to reflect on my mental health now compared to when I was drinking. I still experience anxiety, self-doubt and a very loud inner critic. I feel grief, shame, loneliness - normal but hard feelings to feel. I worry about making the right decisions in parenting. I worry about the state of the world, the suffering of others, and how powerless I often feel to make anything better. But a HUGE difference now is what I do when I have these thoughts and feelings.

Firstly, I don’t make my feelings wrong. I recognise that they were welcome. They are allowed. I know they are not dangerous. They are messengers, they are trying to help, and if I can be present with them and meet them with acceptance and love, they can unfold as they need to. I practice self-compassion and acceptance.

I practice gratitude. Every single day, before I go to sleep, I write down at least three things I’m grateful for. This has hugely changed my perspective on life and I feel gratitude, naturally, many times a day. For everything from the beautiful sound of the wind in the trees, to having a home, running water, to the adorable things my son says. I used to live my life feeling like a victim, believing my life was terrible and only bad things happened to me. Now I have opened my eyes to the endless gifts the universe gives me every day, and it pulls me out of my ‘poor me!’ inner focus.

What else? Gosh I could go on and on… I journal when I’m not sure what exactly I’m feeling or worried about. That really helps me get clarity. I share what I’m feeling or worried about with a close friend. I connect with others and feel held at women’s circles. I spend as much time as possible outdoors, in nature. When I’m feeling tense, stressed and antsy I get outside - whatever the weather. This helps my little boy enormously too, when he’s having tricky feelings!

Another huge benefit has been my ability to cope with challenges and stress. In a word: resilience. I used to spiral for days, in agony, drinking to try and make the problem go away. Since becoming free from alcohol I have had huge and challenging things happen to me related to the seismic change of becoming a mother. It’s hard anyway, for everyone. But also we had a baby during lockdown and in the depths of winter, and my husband’s mental health dramatically deteriorated when our son was four weeks old. Even though he made a full recovery, I was then to endure two and a half years of severely broken sleep due to my son’s frequent night wakings.

I don’t want to even think about what would have happened if I’d been drinking during this time. Needless to say, it would have been bad. Really bad.

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Photo by Matt Hardy on Unsplash

Alcohol and anxiety

Annie Grace (author of This Naked Mind) describes drinking alcohol as like pouring gasoline on your anxiety. It seems to give you a brief sense of relaxation (and it does, for about 20 minutes), however as your body desperately tries to get back into balance, it is flooded with stress hormones. Your sleep will also be disrupted, even with one small drink. And the next day - and I’m sure you know this from your own experience - you’ll have much greater anxiety thanks to the increased cortisol, adrenaline and poor quality sleep. You can read lots more about this here: ‘Alcohol relaxes me’: is it true?.

Alcohol and depression

Alcohol has a huge impact on your brain chemistry, even in very small amounts. It disrupts the delicate balance of mood-regulating neurotransmitters like serotonin and GABA, and depresses your central nervous system. Overtime, it increases stress, messes up your sleep, and causes low mood and increased anxiety.

If you’re taking medication for depression, alcohol will be counteracting any positive affect of the medication and is likely to cause unpleasant side effects. I wonder how many people who go their doctor with symptoms of depression are told first to take a break from alcohol for a few months and see how they feel? And if antidepressants still seem like the best route to try, are doctors also explaining to people the importance of taking a break from alcohol while they’re on medication?

Alcohol and stress

Alcohol adds stress to our lives. It may appear to provide temporary relief by producing a numbing effect, but when we wake up the next day the source of our stress is still there. On top of that, we have to deal with the impact of raised cortisol, adrenaline and poor sleep, making it even harder to face the challenges in life. Alcohol diminishes our emotional resilience so that even small stresses can seem insurmountable.

And it creates stress on top of the things we’re already stressed about! We worry we’re drinking too much, we worry we’re spending too much on alcohol, we berate ourselves for saying things we didn’t mean when drunk, we berate ourselves for losing a day or even more to a hangover, we feel shame and stress because of our drinking.

If alcohol truly relaxed us, wouldn’t we need less, not more of it over time? Do the things that truly bring you stress relief make you feel like shit the next day? Do the things that truly relax you create withdrawals and cravings for more of them?

Using alcohol to escape emotional pain will only ever provide temporary relief and make things much, much worse in the long run. When we feel difficult feelings and we try to numb them out with alcohol and other drugs, we never allow them to change, unfold and dissipate naturally as they will if they are given attention, acceptance and love.

But as I always say: don’t take my word for it. Nothing is more powerful than your own experience. Do you feel better when you take a break from booze? A proper break - not a few days, a month at least - so you can start to get the positive affects. Is your anxiety less? Do you feel less stressed? Do you recover more quickly from spiralling thoughts?

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What if your pain makes sense?

I’ve shared this quote before and I’m going to share it again because it’s just too good:

‘There are no enemies inside. Every part of us is trying to save our lives.’

- Ann Weiser Cornell

I believe that anxiety and depression are messengers. I believe the urge to drink is, too. The raging inner critic, the self doubt, the intrusive thoughts - all of them. They are all there for a reason: they are protecting you, they are trying to keep you safe.

When you can get still and listen to what is within you, welcome it and ask it what it needs, something miraculous can happen. When these fearful feelings and thoughts are acknowledged, when you say: I hear you, thank you for being here, you are welcome here, you belong - their charge can be diminished. They don’t need to scream to be heard. They unfold as they need to. Sometimes, they even fade away like vapour. This has been my experience. The practices of mindful self-compassion and Focusing have enabled me to do all this.

It’s only possible to practice these things consistently and to really feel their healing effects when we do them free from alcohol. Quitting booze opens the door to building a loving relationship with all that is within you. It tells your body and all its wise messengers: I am not going to try and escape from you anymore. I am going to sit with you and hear what you have to say.

That’s why I think sobriety is radical self care. And it can often have a domino effect to creating a healthier life, and therefore further improved mental health. Without the evening drink, you can have a bath, an evening stroll, or relax with a yoga nidra. Without the hangovers, you can go for an early morning run or swim. Without the late night snacks, you can nourish your body with healthy food. Without the wakeful nights, you can reap the benefits of restorative sleep.

To conclude!

This has been a long one. Well done for getting to this point! You can see I’m passionate about all this. I could write a book about. I plan to write a book about it!

But for now, if you need the reminder: you’re amazing. Keep going. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being you.

Resources

• Self-compassion: Tara Brach’s podcast is wonderful and so is her RAIN of self-compassion meditation.

• I often use Kristen Neff’s five minute self-compassion break.

• The Work of Byron Katie has been so helpful in allowing me to challenge whether my thoughts and beliefs are REALLY true.

• The Wisdom of Anxiety by Sheryl Paul - truly a life-changing book for me.
  

• And of course I am always here to help. I’m offering FREE 30 minute taster sessions for you to get a chance to get clear on where you are in your relationship to alcohol and where you want to get to. There’s no expectation you’ll book further coaching with me - I’d just love to meet you and chat.

• Want to know more? Drop me an email at hello@ellie-nova.com or take a look at my website to see what I offer.

Over to you….

• Have you taken a break from alcohol and noticed the difference to your mental health?

• If you’ve been alcohol-free for a while, what difference has it made?

• Do you have any other supportive practices and resources to share?

I’d love to hear from you in the comments.

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