The day everything changed

I discovered This Naked Mind, and my life transformed

On 18^th April 2018 I clicked on a Buzzfeed article titled 26 Tips For If You’re Trying To Drink Less Alcohol, For Whatever Reason.

I didn’t have high hopes. For years now I had been looking for ways to quit drinking – mostly by trying to use willpower, and Googling advice and support services in the hope that someone could help. There was so little out there, and all roads pointed to a life going to weekly AA meetings if I was ever going to really stop.

I scrolled down through the article, dismissing the advice as I went with: I’ve tried that or that’ll never work. But then I got to number 14. ‘Read This Naked Mind: Control Alcohol, Find Freedom, Discover Happiness, & Change Your Life to get non-judgemental support.’ There was a link. I clicked.

And so began my journey with Annie Grace’s revolutionary approach to quitting drinking in a culture obsessed with alcohol.

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I didn’t actually start by buying her book. At the time I did all my reading during my long commute from Kent to London, and I didn’t want people on the train to see me reading a book that had the words ‘Control Alcohol’ on the cover. I didn’t want people to think I was An Alcoholic and worthy of looks of pity and disdain. I decided, instead, to start listening to Annie’s podcast.

‘This is Annie Grace and you’re listening to This Naked Mind podcast, where without judgement, pain or rules, we explore the role of alcohol in our lives and culture.’

One of her first guests was Dr Amy Johnson talking about her book The Little Book of Big Change: The No-Willpower Approach To Breaking Any Habit. I felt more comfortable with reading that book on the train. Because maybe the habit I was dealing with was something minor - like biting my nails, or something socially acceptable - like compulsively checking my work emails at home.

As I started reading this book, alongside listening to Annie’s podcast every day, something incredible happened.

I stopped drinking.

Just like that – with no conscious effort at all. I just… didn’t drink. For 10 whole days in a row.

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Let me just emphasise what a huge deal this was. At this point in time I was 31 years old and I had been drinking pretty much every day since I was 19. The longest I had gone without drinking in that period was probably four days. And every time I’d tried not to drink it had been miserable. Utterly, utterly, miserable. Because I had been using willpower. I was desperate to drink, and I wasn’t letting myself.

I would look up tips online about how to ride out cravings. Try eating sweets to meet your sugar-craving. Cut to me shovelling gummy bears into my mouth at 6pm while trying to ignore the screaming DRINK!!! in my head, until giving in, with a colossal sense of relief, and pouring myself a glass of red.

Try having a cold shower. Cut to me having a shower as soon as I got in from work – cold, then hot, then cold again. Dragging out the time I took to dry myself and get into comfy clothes. Looking at the time and seeing it was 6:30pm and thinking what the fuck do I do until 10pm?? And guess what, reaching for that bottle of red. Again, with enormous relief.

I also experienced physical symptoms from withdrawal. I had horrific headaches that felt like my head was being crushed, and an overwhelming fatigue so great that several times I almost fell asleep at my desk. I could only cope with these symptoms for a few days before I allowed myself a drink again. And guess what? The symptoms immediately got better. Maybe if I could push through for a few more days or weeks… But then, I thought, I’d have to take time off work to be able to ride them out. Maybe that’s what I would have done but then – I found a different way.

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This time around, I had no symptoms. Honestly. No tiredness. No headache. And no effort, no willpower. I just didn’t have the desire to drink. It was incredible. 10 days in I went out to dinner with some friends and had one glass of white wine. No more. That was also incredible for me. To not order more, to not buy a mini bottle of rosé from the station for the train ride home, to not then go home and pour myself another large glass before bed.

So then I bought This Naked Mind, the book, and I read it on the train. And I felt OK to read it on the train – I didn’t feel embarrassed. Because through her podcast Annie had taught me some radical things about alcohol that I had never heard before.

• From birth, we are flooded with beliefs that seep into our unconscious about how great alcohol is: how it is the quickest route to relaxation, connection and joy. These messages come from everywhere – from the adults we look up to, to movies and advertising.

• We’re taught that if you become addicted, it is due to a problem with YOU – because (depending on who you talk to) you were born with the disease of alcoholism, you developed the disease of alcoholism, or because you are lacking in self-control. Booze isn’t to blame – booze is wonderful. We are taught to believe that there is a clear line between ‘alcoholics’ and ‘normal’ drinkers.

• And yet – the truth is: alcohol is an addictive substance to humans. ALL humans. If you have become addicted to a substance that is addictive to humans, it’s not your fault.

• There is no such thing as an ‘alcoholic’. The term is not recognised by medical professionals (it is called ‘alcohol use disorder’). There is also no official diagnosis criteria for it – you have to diagnose yourself before seeking help. This keeps people trapped in harmful patterns of drinking because the idea of admitting to being An Alcoholic is terrifying, shameful and utterly disempowering.

• What we actually need to look at – as individuals, and as a society – is our beliefs around alcohol. Beliefs like: alcohol helps you relax, alcohol helps you sleep, alcohol is fun, alcohol makes you confident, alcohol creates connection, alcohol creates joy. Annie goes through all of these asking: is it true? What actually happens to your body when you drink alcohol? And, she says – don’t take my word for it. See for yourself.

Over the coming months I’ll be diving into these in depth, but for now I’ll just mention one last, radical, life-changing principle I learned from Annie:

You can stop trying to stop drinking

Yep. No more white knuckling. No more willpower. Just – chill. It’s OK. Drink if you want – or don’t. All you need to do is read the book and get curious. Examine the beliefs you have about alcohol. Experiment. Each time you drink, see it as a learning opportunity - not a mark of failure.

• When you drink – do you really sleep better? Or do you wake up at 3am with a racing heart, unable to get back to sleep?

• Is alcohol really creating connection, or is it numbing you out from feeling vulnerable with the people you love?

• Is alcohol really relaxing you, or is creating tons of anxiety in you the next day and increased stress over time?

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As I embarked on this journey, the periods I went without drinking got longer and longer. I would do a whole month, then 6 weeks, then three months, then four months. Then finally, 18 months later, on 26^th December 2019, I had my last drink. I think it was a small glass of Kahlua, if you wanted to know.

I describe myself as alcohol-free because I am genuinely free from the desire to drink. I go to pubs and parties no problem; people can drink around me and I’ll happily order sparkling water. My life is immeasurably better now that I’ve removed alcohol from it. It’s been like being reborn.

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There is, of course, so much to share about my journey. If you’d like to hear more, please do subscribe. I’ll be writing about how I quit drinking, myths and beliefs about alcohol, my experiences with trauma and grief and the many gifts of an alcohol-free life.

I will be forever grateful for that day when I found This Naked Mind. It began my journey to freedom, to meeting myself with love, and living the life I was always meant to live.

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