What if you adored yourself?

How would it change your life?

I recently read this brilliant post by

Allison Taylor Conway

and among the gems of wisdom she shared, her description of recovery stood out for me:

‘The ecosystem of recovery thrives on self-respect, self-compassion, self-discipline, patience, patience, patience, forgiveness, honesty, integrity, self-adoration, and the willingness to surrender what isn’t mine to carry.’

All of this is so true. But the term ‘self-adoration’ really struck me. I thought: Wow. Yes. More than self-compassion, more than self-love: what if we adored ourselves? How would that change our lives?

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I love ‘I Wanna Be Adored’ by The Stone Roses. I used to listen to it in my early 20s because it expressed one of my heart’s deepest longings. I wanted to be loved and accepted, yes, but more than that, I had this audacious fantasy that one day I would meet someone who adored me. Who delighted in me as a person, who knew and loved the whole of me, who loved spending time with me, who listened to me with open ears and an open heart, who marvelled at me, embraced me and held me close, who thought I was the most spectacular being they had ever known.

An impossible dream, of course. It’s not something we can realistically expect from anyone else. And even if we did find such a person, it’s a dangerous game to play - putting our self-worth in the eye of a beholder.

But what if the beholder was me?

What if it was me who adored me? Who delighted in me as a person, who knew and loved the whole of me, who loved spending time with me, who listened to me with open ears and an open heart, who marvelled at me, embraced me and held me close, who thought I was the most spectacular being I had ever known.

What then?

My inner critic leaps up at the idea and quickly jumps in to keep me in check. Outrageous! it yelps. Audacious! Indulgent! How DARE you even ENTERTAIN the idea that you are deserving of your own adoration? You are SO FAR from perfect. You have so much work to do before you can even come close to deserving that amount of love.

I know my inner critic is trying to protect me, and I know it needs love. I say: thank you. Thank you. Yes, it is an audacious idea isn’t it? And let’s see what happens…

I have been imagining what it would feel like if I adored myself. I have been saying the words to myself ‘Ellie, I adore you.’ And it feels like this -

Like being filled with light

Like being lifted up, buoyant

Like I could soar

Like everything is OK - everything is more than OK

In feeling so loved, so purely and honestly loved, I feel my heart opening with love for others. Temporarily, when hearing those words ‘I adore you’, judgment of myself and others falls away.

I think of all the beautiful people in my life and feel that light of love swelling and pouring out to them. I notice the glorious sunshine outside and the birds flying. I come out of the trance of unworthiness. I sit up tall and vibrant and fully alive.

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When I was younger, I was always striving for love. It seemed that receiving love was dependent on my academic success, good behaviour and never causing a fuss. Controlling my emotions was something that, as a sensitive person with strong feelings, I found almost impossible.

I felt starved of love. I was so hungry. Once I was a teenager, I sought out relationships with boys who were uninterested in me 95% of the time but who occasionally, on their own terms, briefly gave me intense attention and affection. The high I got from the times I was thrown those scraps of love kept me trapped in addictive patterns in relationships for years. I never got a high from any substance as strong as I did from those brief spells of attention. When I felt like he’d chosen me and for a few hours I could pretend I was adored.

I think I’ve treated myself this way, too. I’ve so often believed my inner critic, who is always ready to cut me down to size. I’ve worked so hard for worthiness, and even when I get validation from others, I barely allow myself to feel it. I’ve only been allowing myself scraps of love; when what I’ve needed so much, what I’ve been longing for, is a feast of love. Bowls spilling over, cups overflowing, a never-ending banquet of rich and nourishing love that will never be taken away; that will never run out.

It’s all within me. It’s always been within me. It’s all possible to receive right here, right now.

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I write to you from a place of remembering. Of feeling self-adoration. Of feeling the warm glow of unconditional, golden love.

And - I will forget this. I will return to trance. I will feel unworthy. I will return to striving for scraps.

And - I’ll remember again. I will remember to say: ‘Ellie, I adore you.’

This is the dance. Remembering, and forgetting, and remembering once again.

There is always a home within us to return to. Love is always there, waiting for you to know it again.

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Please, try this for yourself. How does it feel to say to yourself ‘I adore you’? I would love to know.

Thank you again

Allison Taylor Conway

for the invitation to explore this radical notion.

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