When my son was eleven, his grannie died. It was the first bereavement he’d experienced and for reasons beyond our control the funeral coincided with SATS week at his primary school. He we a bright student and the school badly wanted his grades to bump up their results and get them an Outstanding result. They put massive pressure on us to make him go in every day and when we refused, they insisted we only took him out for a day (involving a 350 mile round trip on top of the stress of the funeral and seeing his dad break down in public for the first time ever). Then he had to be in early the next morning to do the paper he’d missed. They regarded this as a great inconvenience to themselves and a huge concession. This was a church school, which continually preached the importance of trusting in God’s provision and goodness. My Christianity took a huge hit that week and it’s never really recovered. A grieving eleven year old should not have to push through anything, particularly for the benefit of others
Oh Miranda I'm so sorry your son had to go through this. It sounds so painful for you, and him, and I understand the pressure the school must have put you all under. It's so misguided to focus on grades rather than allowing the emotions of children to be honoured and held. I'm so sorry your faith was affected by this experience too. Thank you for sharing, and sending love to you x
Thank you -he’s fine now, 33 years old and a very successful teacher! I related to a lot of the things you said - I’ve had Covid and breast cancer treatment in the last few years and, at the age of 65, I’ve had to adapt to a body that just won’t be pushed too hard. My daughter now lives and works in Sweden where the attitude to work is completely different - presenteeism isn’t encouraged, parents of either gender have an allocation of permitted days they can take off work to care for a sick child, and the expectation is that you pay high taxes and contribute willingly to the local community through organisations like trades unions, apartment block residents associations, and so forth. She’s very happy there and hopes to become a Swedish citizen in due course.
Sweden sounds like they have got a lot right! So glad your children are thriving now. And thank you for sharing your experiences with your health and learning you can’t push your body too hard x
I've never thought about it as pushing through (although as a type a perfectionist I probably have). For me I used busyness to numb my feelings. If I stayed busy, I didn't have to feel. I used busy instead of alcohol, but the effect was the same. I ignored my feelings for the sake of other people's needs. Kids, clients, bosses, etc. Everyone else came first before I did. In my 40s I shifted that to start focusing on myself and it was the best decision I ever made, not only for myself, but for my kids. I can show up for them now the way I never could before. All because I listen to myself now.
Thanks for sharing your journey, I am sure it will help and inspire others.
I'm 587 days sober (and counting). Not having anywhere to run from my emotions was by far the hardest part of the transition but I would never go back. The toxic negativity squashed down inside me for all those years is still leaking out - I feel so happy to have reversed the flow.
Thank you for sharing your story, I am so sorry for your loss. And I agree, 'pushing through' is rewarded and expected and it's like pushing through for whom? The world is so uncomfortable with the grief of others and just sees 'productivity' and 'pushing through' as the only safe place to exist in. We need to collectively become more comfortable letting other's experience their grief, without trying to augment and control it.
I relate too well to how pushing through is just a set up for not being the person I want to be later, especially as a mom. I’m highly sensitive, too, and even though parenting a pre-teen is in some ways less demanding than a toddler, it can be consuming of my emotional energy in a way I’ve never experienced before. It’s still hard for me to accept that I cannot do everything (haven’t quite unpacked all that capitalist conditioning). I appreciate your honest, thoughtful look at these challenges and your commitment to living out your values, including rest and setting boundaries. 🩵
Ellie this was so moving and heart breaking and heart affirming all at once. Admiring your words and work and these places you’ve come to.
I have a 3 and a bit year old, who only started sleeping properly in recent months, I’ve grieved so much in this sense of ‘lost’ time and energy, it’s been a difficult one to accept but I’m certainly more at ease - especially now there’s more sleep!
I feel for the younger you who lost her mother and had no space to grieve, my heart is feeling the tragedy in this. And for the ways you’ve needed to push through, how we’ve all pushed through things that were innocently calling for our loving presence.
This is a beautifully raw and powerful piece Ellie, the depth of it kind of takes my breath away. I relate to a lot of the sensitivity around Motherhood and often feel like I am the only Mum who seems to find things so hard… but reading your words makes me realise I am not alone. I love the list at the end as well, particularly the success measures in terms of slow and simple… I crave this!!! Utterly beautiful piece xxx
I could have written this, as I’m sure so many others have felt reading your words.
I am highly sensitive as well- and going through divorce with two very young kids after domestic violence.
It’s happened several times over the last few months where I’ve had calls with lawyers and realtors and trying to wrap my head around my own healing where I’d stop mid sentence and freeze completely. Total body shut down.
It’s gotten a bit better as things are getting resolved- although it’s highly contentious.
This is a good reminder to keep pacing myself.
I had two appointments tomorrow and I canceled one. Because I can only really handle one every 2/3 days right now. And that’s ok.
Jennifer, thank you. You are going through so much - I can't even imagine. What an intense time this must be for you. That completely makes sense that you are experiencing freeze and overwhelm. I'm so glad that in the midst of it you are able to listen to your body's needs as much as is possible right now. Sending you so much love as you navigate all that you are experiencing right now. I'm humbled that you connected with my words x
Wow...I could have written this, I haven’t reflected on how losing my dad so young and required to push through the grief impacted me. But I have always found a way to make it through, usually at the expense of my body and my own peace and calm. Motherhood dialed up my sensitivity too, I was already highly sensitive and like you said, if I am not wise about where I spend my energy, I am burnt out by 3 PM. Raising a toddler is hard, but I find how sensitive I am to stimulation and noise to make it harder. My son spoke for about two hours straight today and I am burnt out from it. I could say so much more, thank you for this post.
Thank you so much for your words Emma... Sometimes I worry on Substack about just writing about myself, if it's a bit self-indulgent/naval-gazing... But you've connected so much with what I've shared and our experiences are so similar - I feel so honoured and grateful for this. It's like the work you do - when we share our stories, it makes others feel more OK about themselves, and helps us all understand our experiences and shared humanity.
And I'm so sorry that you, too, weren't given the support and understanding to allow your grief to be honoured and felt when you lost your dad x
Exactly, and I understand the feeling of seeming self-indulgent. I think it every time I write about myself, and there is always someone who says they resonate or they needed to hear it. So, I keep showing up and inviting others to do the same.
Sometimes, it seems to me, it is the joy of life that we push through into a barren backyard where all there is to see are certificates pinned to the brick walls declaring how many things we achieved.
The certificates might be handy if there is no loo paper left.
Such a gorgeous essay, Ellie. So much here that resonates for me.
That blueprint of hyper business- balls to the wall productivity that has been hammered into our brains, is making us collectively sick. I truly believe it. And, as women, we’ve been told over and over how “good” we are at multitasking so for those of us who become moms, it feels like the expectations of what will get done in a single day is stacked higher.
It’s bullshit. And I fall victim to it over and over.
Like you, my energy is precious. I totally understand what you mean by that. And no matter the day, after 3:00 pm, I’m mush. Nothing in my tank. Which then creates a guilt cycle because I feel like I’m not bringing “my best” to my family at the end of the day.
And grief is another beast altogether. Losing my dad was the catalyst to my worst drinking and then, ultimately, my sobriety. I wish I had been sober those last few months of his life - to be there and feel through it all. He also died of cancer. I’m so sorry you lost both your parents at such a young age.
Thank you so much Allison. I'm comforted to know that you too find you don't have the energy later in the afternoon. And yes I'm a million percent with you on the hyper-busyness, multi tasking bullshit. I don't think women are necessarily 'good' at multitasking, I think we just feel we HAVE to be and it's a detriment to our being.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your father and really hear you that there is also grief there for not being sober for those last months. How incredible that you took that as an opportunity to completely change your life and get sober xx
I really related to what you said here: ‘Removing alcohol from my life meant that, for the first time, I had to actually get in touch with what I was feeling’. This held true for me as well when I quit drinking over 3 years ago. I had to sit with my feelings which was incredibly difficult at first, but eventually I was able to hold space and feel the feelings without letting it drown me.
Thank you Mackenzie, so glad you enjoyed reading this and that it resonated. Yes, feeling our feelings for the first time and allowing them and accepting them is HARD. Something I still often struggle with! Gentleness and self-compassion for the process I find really helpful x
It’s truly unfathomable to me how little we make space to grieve in modern culture. I deeply, deeply don’t get it. And, at the same time, I don’t find it surprising - skipping over grief goes hand-in-hand with all the other ways the collective default is to numb and distract from what’s uncomfortable.
Sobriety has been huge for me when it comes to going straight into discomfort and honouring my needs. I need more time in silence and solitude than most people I know. For the most part, I no longer make excuses for that or try to "pass". The exceptions are rare visits with my parents, which are so, so hard for me in large part for this reason. They truly don’t get it. But also, I recognize that I don’t have much time left with them, so I do sacrifice my needs in their presence - not fully, but partway.
Thank you Dana xx Yes I totally agree with you about grief. When we're giving space, time and support to truly feel our grief, it transforms and allows us to feel so many other beautiful things like love and joy and gratitude.
That sounds really tough to not be able to be authentic with your parents. I know I find it so exquisitely painful when people don't 'get' me - it's one of my deepest longings. I'm glad for the most part you're able to honour your unique needs x
Such a fantastic post Ellie, I relate to a lot of this. When you were talking about how you felt going back to work after your Dad passed away and how you couldn't push thriugh anymore - my Dad passed away nearly 5 years ago and I had 10 weeks bereavement leave. When I went back to work though, I got so anxious and it just didn't feel the same anymore, that I actually quit. Like you, I just couldn't push through anymore. I'm so sorry that your school was not more understanding of the huge loss of your mum at such a young age too. And that feeling of pushing through as a mum, it literally feels like pushing massive rocks uphill someday- when things feel like this I've got better at stopping and resting, but not always. X
I also ended up quitting my job! About 6 months after going back. Yes I felt like it was so absurd the things I and my co-workers were stressing about... Losing someone really puts things in perspective, I've found.
Yes definitely feels like pushing rocks up a hill sometimes! I feel like being a parent means being so exhausted you want to collapse, and having to force yourself up and somehow find that last bit of energy to push through until your child/children are in bed... You just have to keep going. But of course this isn't how it's meant to be - with this insane amount of pressure on one or two people to look after children AND do all the housework AND do paid work... So of course we're collapsing from exhaustion!
When my son was eleven, his grannie died. It was the first bereavement he’d experienced and for reasons beyond our control the funeral coincided with SATS week at his primary school. He we a bright student and the school badly wanted his grades to bump up their results and get them an Outstanding result. They put massive pressure on us to make him go in every day and when we refused, they insisted we only took him out for a day (involving a 350 mile round trip on top of the stress of the funeral and seeing his dad break down in public for the first time ever). Then he had to be in early the next morning to do the paper he’d missed. They regarded this as a great inconvenience to themselves and a huge concession. This was a church school, which continually preached the importance of trusting in God’s provision and goodness. My Christianity took a huge hit that week and it’s never really recovered. A grieving eleven year old should not have to push through anything, particularly for the benefit of others
Oh Miranda I'm so sorry your son had to go through this. It sounds so painful for you, and him, and I understand the pressure the school must have put you all under. It's so misguided to focus on grades rather than allowing the emotions of children to be honoured and held. I'm so sorry your faith was affected by this experience too. Thank you for sharing, and sending love to you x
Thank you -he’s fine now, 33 years old and a very successful teacher! I related to a lot of the things you said - I’ve had Covid and breast cancer treatment in the last few years and, at the age of 65, I’ve had to adapt to a body that just won’t be pushed too hard. My daughter now lives and works in Sweden where the attitude to work is completely different - presenteeism isn’t encouraged, parents of either gender have an allocation of permitted days they can take off work to care for a sick child, and the expectation is that you pay high taxes and contribute willingly to the local community through organisations like trades unions, apartment block residents associations, and so forth. She’s very happy there and hopes to become a Swedish citizen in due course.
Sweden sounds like they have got a lot right! So glad your children are thriving now. And thank you for sharing your experiences with your health and learning you can’t push your body too hard x
I've never thought about it as pushing through (although as a type a perfectionist I probably have). For me I used busyness to numb my feelings. If I stayed busy, I didn't have to feel. I used busy instead of alcohol, but the effect was the same. I ignored my feelings for the sake of other people's needs. Kids, clients, bosses, etc. Everyone else came first before I did. In my 40s I shifted that to start focusing on myself and it was the best decision I ever made, not only for myself, but for my kids. I can show up for them now the way I never could before. All because I listen to myself now.
Thanks for sharing your journey, I am sure it will help and inspire others.
I'm 587 days sober (and counting). Not having anywhere to run from my emotions was by far the hardest part of the transition but I would never go back. The toxic negativity squashed down inside me for all those years is still leaking out - I feel so happy to have reversed the flow.
Celebrating you Graeme! This is a journey for the truly courageous ones x
Thank you for sharing your story, I am so sorry for your loss. And I agree, 'pushing through' is rewarded and expected and it's like pushing through for whom? The world is so uncomfortable with the grief of others and just sees 'productivity' and 'pushing through' as the only safe place to exist in. We need to collectively become more comfortable letting other's experience their grief, without trying to augment and control it.
I couldn't agree more Caitlin. I'm glad there are so many of us who see things a different way x
I relate too well to how pushing through is just a set up for not being the person I want to be later, especially as a mom. I’m highly sensitive, too, and even though parenting a pre-teen is in some ways less demanding than a toddler, it can be consuming of my emotional energy in a way I’ve never experienced before. It’s still hard for me to accept that I cannot do everything (haven’t quite unpacked all that capitalist conditioning). I appreciate your honest, thoughtful look at these challenges and your commitment to living out your values, including rest and setting boundaries. 🩵
Thank you so much Lori. I'm so grateful to connect with you and see we have similar experiences, and are questioning the same things! x
Ellie this was so moving and heart breaking and heart affirming all at once. Admiring your words and work and these places you’ve come to.
I have a 3 and a bit year old, who only started sleeping properly in recent months, I’ve grieved so much in this sense of ‘lost’ time and energy, it’s been a difficult one to accept but I’m certainly more at ease - especially now there’s more sleep!
I feel for the younger you who lost her mother and had no space to grieve, my heart is feeling the tragedy in this. And for the ways you’ve needed to push through, how we’ve all pushed through things that were innocently calling for our loving presence.
Thank you for sharing your tender heart 💜
Thank you so much for your beautiful kind words Sarina, that means so much. I really relate to that grief of lost time and energy too x
This is a beautifully raw and powerful piece Ellie, the depth of it kind of takes my breath away. I relate to a lot of the sensitivity around Motherhood and often feel like I am the only Mum who seems to find things so hard… but reading your words makes me realise I am not alone. I love the list at the end as well, particularly the success measures in terms of slow and simple… I crave this!!! Utterly beautiful piece xxx
Thank you Lauren, I appreciate that so much and so glad that as we share our personal experiences, we can all feel less alone xx
I could have written this, as I’m sure so many others have felt reading your words.
I am highly sensitive as well- and going through divorce with two very young kids after domestic violence.
It’s happened several times over the last few months where I’ve had calls with lawyers and realtors and trying to wrap my head around my own healing where I’d stop mid sentence and freeze completely. Total body shut down.
It’s gotten a bit better as things are getting resolved- although it’s highly contentious.
This is a good reminder to keep pacing myself.
I had two appointments tomorrow and I canceled one. Because I can only really handle one every 2/3 days right now. And that’s ok.
Jennifer, thank you. You are going through so much - I can't even imagine. What an intense time this must be for you. That completely makes sense that you are experiencing freeze and overwhelm. I'm so glad that in the midst of it you are able to listen to your body's needs as much as is possible right now. Sending you so much love as you navigate all that you are experiencing right now. I'm humbled that you connected with my words x
Wow...I could have written this, I haven’t reflected on how losing my dad so young and required to push through the grief impacted me. But I have always found a way to make it through, usually at the expense of my body and my own peace and calm. Motherhood dialed up my sensitivity too, I was already highly sensitive and like you said, if I am not wise about where I spend my energy, I am burnt out by 3 PM. Raising a toddler is hard, but I find how sensitive I am to stimulation and noise to make it harder. My son spoke for about two hours straight today and I am burnt out from it. I could say so much more, thank you for this post.
Thank you so much for your words Emma... Sometimes I worry on Substack about just writing about myself, if it's a bit self-indulgent/naval-gazing... But you've connected so much with what I've shared and our experiences are so similar - I feel so honoured and grateful for this. It's like the work you do - when we share our stories, it makes others feel more OK about themselves, and helps us all understand our experiences and shared humanity.
And I'm so sorry that you, too, weren't given the support and understanding to allow your grief to be honoured and felt when you lost your dad x
Exactly, and I understand the feeling of seeming self-indulgent. I think it every time I write about myself, and there is always someone who says they resonate or they needed to hear it. So, I keep showing up and inviting others to do the same.
Thank you <3
I’ve read this post 4 times. Thank you 💗
You’re so welcome Amy! I’m so glad you connected with my words x
Sometimes, it seems to me, it is the joy of life that we push through into a barren backyard where all there is to see are certificates pinned to the brick walls declaring how many things we achieved.
The certificates might be handy if there is no loo paper left.
Yes! You're so right. At the end of our lives, I know none of us want to look back and realise 'oh, I forgot to feel joy... I forgot to feel alive.'
Such a gorgeous essay, Ellie. So much here that resonates for me.
That blueprint of hyper business- balls to the wall productivity that has been hammered into our brains, is making us collectively sick. I truly believe it. And, as women, we’ve been told over and over how “good” we are at multitasking so for those of us who become moms, it feels like the expectations of what will get done in a single day is stacked higher.
It’s bullshit. And I fall victim to it over and over.
Like you, my energy is precious. I totally understand what you mean by that. And no matter the day, after 3:00 pm, I’m mush. Nothing in my tank. Which then creates a guilt cycle because I feel like I’m not bringing “my best” to my family at the end of the day.
And grief is another beast altogether. Losing my dad was the catalyst to my worst drinking and then, ultimately, my sobriety. I wish I had been sober those last few months of his life - to be there and feel through it all. He also died of cancer. I’m so sorry you lost both your parents at such a young age.
Thanks for writing about all of this. 🙏🏼🫶
Thank you so much Allison. I'm comforted to know that you too find you don't have the energy later in the afternoon. And yes I'm a million percent with you on the hyper-busyness, multi tasking bullshit. I don't think women are necessarily 'good' at multitasking, I think we just feel we HAVE to be and it's a detriment to our being.
I'm so sorry about the loss of your father and really hear you that there is also grief there for not being sober for those last months. How incredible that you took that as an opportunity to completely change your life and get sober xx
I really related to what you said here: ‘Removing alcohol from my life meant that, for the first time, I had to actually get in touch with what I was feeling’. This held true for me as well when I quit drinking over 3 years ago. I had to sit with my feelings which was incredibly difficult at first, but eventually I was able to hold space and feel the feelings without letting it drown me.
Really enjoyed your post Ellie 💫
Thank you Mackenzie, so glad you enjoyed reading this and that it resonated. Yes, feeling our feelings for the first time and allowing them and accepting them is HARD. Something I still often struggle with! Gentleness and self-compassion for the process I find really helpful x
Such a beautiful, inspiring essay, Ellie.
It’s truly unfathomable to me how little we make space to grieve in modern culture. I deeply, deeply don’t get it. And, at the same time, I don’t find it surprising - skipping over grief goes hand-in-hand with all the other ways the collective default is to numb and distract from what’s uncomfortable.
Sobriety has been huge for me when it comes to going straight into discomfort and honouring my needs. I need more time in silence and solitude than most people I know. For the most part, I no longer make excuses for that or try to "pass". The exceptions are rare visits with my parents, which are so, so hard for me in large part for this reason. They truly don’t get it. But also, I recognize that I don’t have much time left with them, so I do sacrifice my needs in their presence - not fully, but partway.
Thank you Dana xx Yes I totally agree with you about grief. When we're giving space, time and support to truly feel our grief, it transforms and allows us to feel so many other beautiful things like love and joy and gratitude.
That sounds really tough to not be able to be authentic with your parents. I know I find it so exquisitely painful when people don't 'get' me - it's one of my deepest longings. I'm glad for the most part you're able to honour your unique needs x
Such a fantastic post Ellie, I relate to a lot of this. When you were talking about how you felt going back to work after your Dad passed away and how you couldn't push thriugh anymore - my Dad passed away nearly 5 years ago and I had 10 weeks bereavement leave. When I went back to work though, I got so anxious and it just didn't feel the same anymore, that I actually quit. Like you, I just couldn't push through anymore. I'm so sorry that your school was not more understanding of the huge loss of your mum at such a young age too. And that feeling of pushing through as a mum, it literally feels like pushing massive rocks uphill someday- when things feel like this I've got better at stopping and resting, but not always. X
I also ended up quitting my job! About 6 months after going back. Yes I felt like it was so absurd the things I and my co-workers were stressing about... Losing someone really puts things in perspective, I've found.
Yes definitely feels like pushing rocks up a hill sometimes! I feel like being a parent means being so exhausted you want to collapse, and having to force yourself up and somehow find that last bit of energy to push through until your child/children are in bed... You just have to keep going. But of course this isn't how it's meant to be - with this insane amount of pressure on one or two people to look after children AND do all the housework AND do paid work... So of course we're collapsing from exhaustion!
So relatable and nourishing to read Ellie
So glad it resonated with you Sophie xx