Meeting pain with love

If I could sum up sobriety in a sentence, this would be it

How did I remove alcohol from my life? How do I have a life now where I have no desire to drink?

By learning to meet my pain with love.

That’s it in a nutshell. It’s that simple, and that hard. Hard because it’s unfamiliar to so many of us. Hard because it takes practice. Hard because it takes trust.

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An ‘aha!’ moment

There was a moment in my journey to quitting alcohol that really shifted things. I was in a lot of emotional pain. Without going into specifics, it related to family relationships in the aftermath of my dad’s death. So, a big one. I was feeling hurt and angry. Ashamed for feeling hurt and angry. I wanted to not feel those feelings. I wanted to escape. I wanted to drink.

And I suddenly realised: Ellie, if you drink, you’re telling yourself you aren’t strong enough to be with your feelings.

You’re telling yourself you can’t cope.

You’re telling yourself you need to drink a poison, and shut up.

The part of me telling me to drink felt cruel, disdainful and aggressive.

Then, in that moment, another part of me appeared. A part that was calm, wise and loving. It said:

Ellie, you are strong enough.

You can hold your feelings.

I don’t want you to shut up.

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How would you treat a dear friend?

Now, pain doesn’t have to mean emotional pain. Pain could mean stress, exhaustion, even boredom. You might want to think of the word ‘discomfort’ over pain. For me, pain makes sense because I feel things very intensely. But please think of whatever word or feeling works for you.

Think of when you want to drink. Or, if you don’t drink, when do you want to numb out some other way? Or when do you talk to yourself cruelly, with judgement?

In those moments of pain or discomfort, what would it be like to turn towards that feeling with love?

It can be helpful to think how you would treat a dear friend. If they told you they were in pain, would you tell them you don’t care and you don’t want to hear about it? Or would you give them a hug, tell them you’re here, tell them it’s OK?

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When pain or discomfort arises…

Here are some ways you could meet your pain with love:

• You’ve had a long, stressful day at work. Your body is tense and taut. You desperately want to feel relaxed and at ease. Maybe you need to go for a run, or do an angry dance, or scream into a pillow? Or go for a walk in the woods, by the sea or along the river? Feel the wind on your face, listen to the birds. Breathe in deep, deep, deep.

• You’re feeling flooded with shame after snapping at your child. Your heart is racing and a voice in your head is telling you you’re a bad parent. Perhaps you could say to yourself: ‘I’m feeling like a bad parent. I’m feeling shame. This is so hard to feel.’ And hold yourself with love and allow yourself to cry, if you need to.

• You’re feeling anxious about going to the pub without drinking. Acknowledge that anxiety. You could say ‘something in me feels anxious’. Put a hand on your heart. Send that part some love. ‘You’re feeling anxious. It’s hard to feel this way. It’s OK. I’m here for you. I love you.’ Breathe deep. Feel your feet on the ground.

These are just ideas. Only you can ever know what you’re really feeling in each moment, and what you really need. It might not come to you straight away. You might need to pause, get still, close your eyes, breathe deep, and listen.

Maybe write it down - this can help you slow down enough to really be with what is.

Ask yourself:

• What is here right now?

• What is this pain? Where is it in my body?

• What does it want to say? What does it need?

• Can I meet this pain with love?

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All of you is welcome

All parts of us need love; even the parts that judge us for our feelings. The parts that are critical, and cruel. The part that wants to drink, the part that wants to smoke, the part that wants to scroll. They are all innocent parts, trying to help.

We don’t want them to run the show - and that’s what they do, if we don’t bring awareness to them. What we need to do is meet these parts with love: acknowledge them, let them know you hear them, and then, if we need to, set a boundary. I’ve written a post about loving the addictive voice, if you’d like to dive deeper.

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Learning a new way to be

I had to learn how to do this. I didn’t know how, at first. For over a decade I had been meeting my pain with alcohol. Any kind of emotional pain I felt, alcohol was the answer. Sadness, shame, anger, loneliness - and all the accompanying thoughts. So when I decided to break free from alcohol I needed something to replace it.

I didn’t want to white-knuckle it for the rest of my life, or risk falling into an addiction to something else. I needed to completely change the way I related to myself. Not with cruelty, not with judgement, not with shame; but with love.

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Over to you…

How does this feel for you? Are you able to meet your pain with love? What kinds of things do you do that are loving for yourself? Let me know in the comments.

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In case you missed them

Five Wonderful Things - the start of a new series

On not pushing through - lessons from sobriety and motherhood

Alcohol is the problem, not you - uncovering myths and lies