“Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.”
―Rainer Maria Rilke
I learned this through practicing Focusing. It’s an incredibly simple yet transformative technique.
How does it feel to say to yourself: ‘I am stressed’ or ‘I am anxious’?
And then how does it feel to say this: ‘Something in me is stressed’ or ‘Something in me is anxious’?
You could also add ‘I am noticing that something in me feels stressed’ or ‘I am aware that something in me feels anxious.’
Notice how your body senses these different phrases. How does each one feel? What changes do you notice when you try on each one out?
For me, when I tell myself ‘I am stressed!’ I feel consumed by it. I am the stress. It affects my thoughts, actions, and how my body feels. If I say to myself, and perhaps to others: ‘I am stressed’ or ‘I am depressed’ or ‘I am anxious’ it leads to overwhelm because I’m saying ‘this is all of me.’ I am my stress, my depression, my anxiety.
And, as Simon McKibbon observes:
‘It’s also an embedded command. Your subconscious picks up on this and says ‘oh you are…’. and therefore you’ll continue to be. […] It’s a wonderful strategy for continuing a state.
‘Now it’s clearly meeting needs, so let’s not write it off. And my sense is the needs are that it hasn’t been resolved and therefore it’s sticking around. Something in there is wanting relationship.’
When we notice, or become aware of, the ‘something in me’, we can come into relationship with it. It brings an awareness to a part of you within the whole of you. And there is an ‘I’ that is witnessing. An ‘I’ that is coming into relationship with these parts. There is an ‘I’ that exists independently of the parts and the thoughts. There is an ‘I’ that can hold and welcome them all.
When we notice the ‘something in us’ that feels what it feels, we can move from putting a label of permanence on ourselves. We no longer need to be identified with just one part of us and let it run the show.
You could also say ‘something in me is feeling stressed right now.’ Acknowledging we can only know what we’re feeling in this present moment. And then it changes and unfolds, if we allow it.
This practice can also apply to the urge to drink. What difference do you notice when you tell yourself ‘I want a drink’ and when you say ‘Something in me wants to drink’?
For me, I immediately feel relief wash over my whole being. My body relaxes. My heart opens to so much compassion for this innocent part. The part that wants to drink (or, wanted to drink, in my case). I can genuinely feel how much I love that innocent part of myself. I instinctively put a hand on my heart, and close my eyes. I want to be with that part. I want to say: ‘yes. that’s what it’s like for you.’
When we’re in the trap of drinking but wanting to stop, or at least cut down, there is often also a part that is worried about our drinking; a part that is afraid that we’re an alcoholic and out of control. There may also be a part that is disgusted at us and highly critical; the part that voices the intense shame we feel when we drank when we didn’t want to.
Becoming aware of these parts is all part of this compassionate process of developing an inner relationship with ourselves. These are examples of some of the conflicted parts that may be alive in someone who is struggling with alcohol:
‘Something in me wants to drink’
‘Something in me really doesn’t want me to drink’
‘Something in me is afraid about my drinking’
‘Something in me is disgusted at me for my lack of self-control’
And the drink/drinking can be replaced with any behaviour we keep doing, that we don’t really want to do, and keep feeling ashamed of when we do it.
All these parts are trying to help. All these parts just want to be heard. To know that they are welcome. To know that they are accepted; that they belong.
Often in Focusing sessions tears of relief, compassion and grief flow from me. The relief of being with these tender parts. These deep, sweet longings within. To welcome all of them - all the ‘somethings’. The scared, childlike parts. The loud, critical part. The part that doesn’t want to be here with these other parts. All of them are welcome.
And what I find is when I sit with them and allow them to be, just as they are, they unfold and unfurl into something else. Often the critical part, once it feels it’s really been heard, will quietly fade away. Sometimes the scared childlike part will cuddle up close to me, lying in my lap like a little cat. I am grateful for their company. I am so grateful for this simple shift in language and perspective which frees me from the all-encompassing ‘I am’ to awareness of the many different parts of me that exist in any given moment.
You can try this with all kinds of painful thoughts and feelings.
‘I am unlovable’ vs ‘Something in me feels unlovable’
‘I am never good enough’ vs ‘Something in me feels like it’s never good enough.’
‘I am a failure’ vs ‘Something in me feels like a failure.’
‘I am exhausted’ vs ‘Something in me feels exhausted.’
‘I want to give up’ vs ‘Something in me wants to give up.’
When we say ‘something in me’ we can get a bit of distance. We can create space. And in that space there is a pause. Perhaps a deep breath. The body relaxing, just a little. A space for compassion. A space for us to be in relationship with ourselves.
You can be curious. You can ask this part: what is it like for you? You might notice how you feel in your body when you make space for this part. Or perhaps an image comes to you. Whatever arises is your body’s wisdom: your felt sense. When we listen to it, without analysing or trying to change it, it feels safe to be itself. This is a step towards loving and accepting all parts of ourselves. A step towards what some people call wholeness.
Explore Focusing
Focusing is something that is hard to describe - though there are lots of great books and resources out there. The best way to understand Focusing, and how transformative such a seemingly simple practice is, is to experience it.
You can find out about Focusing practitioners, courses and workshops on the British Focusing Association website.
Simon McKibbon explores ‘I am vs Something in me’ more here, and he has lots of meditations and practices on his Soundcloud that I really recommend.
Peter Gill is a great person to subscribe to here on Substack; he runs lots of Focusing courses, workshops and retreats and has written a book The Way of Curiosity.
I discovered Focusing thanks to Natasha Lythgoe a few years ago.
I’m currently reading Untangling by Barbara McGavin and Ann Weiser Cornell. Ann was able to break free from her addiction to alcohol thanks to Focusing, and realising that there was ‘something in her’ that wanted to drink.
If you’re new here - welcome. I’m so grateful to you for reading my words. I’m Ellie: a sober coach, mentor, mother and writer living in Lewes, East Sussex, UK. I support courageous women to break free from alcohol for good and step into the life they were always meant to live.
A Little Fantastic contains personal stories, supportive practices and information on what alcohol actually does to our precious bodies. My journey to quitting alcohol was one of unravelling so many beliefs I had about alcohol, and myself.
If you would like support on your own journey with 1:1 sober coaching you can find out more on my website.
As usual this is such a good read Ellie - I always find focusing a bit tricky to describe, but you’ve really captured something about it here. I know how valuable it must be, as an approach to your work with addiction.
Excellent article. I admire how throughout your articles, you treat yourself (or in this case the parts of yourself) with deep understanding and compassion. Here, you show how to listen to what a craving is (or was) actually trying to say, similar to what I’ve recently talked about. The craving isn’t ugly, or a demon, or a coercive force—it’s an unmet core need in disguise, and core needs are innocent. That roaring lion is just a kitten that wants some attention—framing changes everything. Thank you so much for sharing.