I love everything about this, Ellie. For me, my transfer addiction since giving up alcohol is sugar. Truly, I've been battling it for decades, but I think I gave myself a pass because I would say, "well, this is definitely better than hitting the bottle each night." I've just recently shifted a bit into asking myself, before (or even WHEN) I am eating the sugary treat, "What is it you are truly hungry for, Allison?" Even when I know the answer, sometimes I still reach for food instead of saying or doing the thing I know is necessary. BUT......the seeing, the acknowledgement itself, is shifting things.
I think this is bringing me a bit closer to your approach here. Loving that part of me that is just simply trying to make me feel better.
Oh Allison sharing this it makes me think of a little kid wanting sugar - so innocent, just needing love, and care. That tender, vulnerable, inner part of you.
And yes, pausing and asking that question 'what are you truly hungry for?' is SO powerful.
I'm glad you can give yourself grace and forgiveness - when we do listen to that voice and have alcohol or sugar or whatever, that's when we need love and understanding from ourselves the most. x
Such a powerful, beautiful place of exploration and practice, Ellie. Like you, I’ve never found "success" in hating my addictive voice. Sure, I could stay abstinent that way - as a control addict, I’m crazy disciplined! But I’d be miserable, and that’s not the kind of sobriety I’m after.
For me, meeting the addictive voice - and staying sober - is contained within my practice of Buddhism and yoga. So, addiction is just one form of unskillful, harmful attachment. But, in my spiritual practice, there’s no place for choosing hatred. (Which isn’t to say it doesn’t happen sometimes, but then the practice is to bring the same care and skillful effort to that as well.)
I love every part of this, only a little pun intended. We had to read a book in school called Focusing...it sounds awfully similar to what you are describing. I have a hard time when that voice comes up to drink, I usually get mad at it and ask it why it’s here instead of being compassionate it, allowing it, and setting the boundary. Thanks you for this.
Ah was the book by Eugene Gendlin? He was the one who 'discovered' Focusing and wrote a book about it, which I haven't yet read. But I've done a few workshops and courses on Focusing and I just love it.
And I totally relate to being mad at that voice - it's so understandable. I would love to hear what it feels like to bring it compassion the next time it pops up x
YES! It was bothering, I could see the cover in my head and everything. Your post makes me want to go read it again, because I had a hard time connecting with the concept the first time, and now I’m in such a different space, I think I would love it.
I’m taking this approach now using the IFS paradigm and there’s no going back. It works far better for me than anything ever has. Thank you for writing this. If it’s controversial, I hope it’s not long until that changes.
Oh yes I am familiar with IFS though haven't practiced it myself. It sounds like it has a lot in common with Focusing and the compassionate approach to welcoming and loving all parts of ourselves. I'm so glad you found it and it has been so helpful Natalie x
This is so wonderful Ellie, this makes me think of my favourite ‘circuit breaker’ when it comes to any challenge in my life, particularly internal challenges… ‘what would love do?’ And I find when I come to that question it always makes me pause and react in a way more compassionate response. These parts truly do want the ‘best’ for us in their own way. I have always wanted to dive further into IFS and parts work to explore all of this deeper. Another thing for my list!!! Xxx
‘What would love do’ is such a beautiful guiding principle. Just thinking of it makes me want to pause and breathe and connect deeply to myself.
Yes I haven’t dived into IFS myself but it looks like it would resonate with me. I’ve found Focusing so helpful to be compassionate to whatever parts are arising in the moment x
THIS is everything. I was sitting down to write a piece about Bigger Love and this couldn't have been more perfectly timed. My experience playing with this involved my 6 year old struggling BIG time with going to a chess class. So much so she vomited as several teachers pried her fingers off the door frame. So we spent time talking to the Part of her that didn't want to go. She immediately identified it, named it, and acknowledged where it was coming from. It was scared and trying to keep her safe. She had little conversations with it on her own, told me the Part got much more quiet, and suddenly chess class was easy peasy. So thank you for recognizing an area where love is simply needed and sharing that with the world.
Fantastic post, Ellie. Thank you for sharing. I often tell my Inner Critic, who I've named Tiffany, to shut up when she gets loud. "Shut it, Tiff." Saying that makes me giggle because it's silly and that takes me out of the spiral so I can get curious and ask - what do I need right now? It's a blend of the two methods I suppose.
Hi Ellie. Great perspective. Things we hate still have power over us, so let’s turn it on its head and love the urge—it’s only a messenger. I look at urges from my very biological framework— they’re historic nerve signals from old habit loops. But I take the power away too, just like your way. An urge is just a message that something’s not right, so let’s take stock of what that could be. This is another case of ‘you see 6, I see 9, but we’re looking at the same number’. Thank you.
I love everything about this, Ellie. For me, my transfer addiction since giving up alcohol is sugar. Truly, I've been battling it for decades, but I think I gave myself a pass because I would say, "well, this is definitely better than hitting the bottle each night." I've just recently shifted a bit into asking myself, before (or even WHEN) I am eating the sugary treat, "What is it you are truly hungry for, Allison?" Even when I know the answer, sometimes I still reach for food instead of saying or doing the thing I know is necessary. BUT......the seeing, the acknowledgement itself, is shifting things.
I think this is bringing me a bit closer to your approach here. Loving that part of me that is just simply trying to make me feel better.
Thanks, Ellie!
Oh Allison sharing this it makes me think of a little kid wanting sugar - so innocent, just needing love, and care. That tender, vulnerable, inner part of you.
And yes, pausing and asking that question 'what are you truly hungry for?' is SO powerful.
I'm glad you can give yourself grace and forgiveness - when we do listen to that voice and have alcohol or sugar or whatever, that's when we need love and understanding from ourselves the most. x
Such a powerful, beautiful place of exploration and practice, Ellie. Like you, I’ve never found "success" in hating my addictive voice. Sure, I could stay abstinent that way - as a control addict, I’m crazy disciplined! But I’d be miserable, and that’s not the kind of sobriety I’m after.
For me, meeting the addictive voice - and staying sober - is contained within my practice of Buddhism and yoga. So, addiction is just one form of unskillful, harmful attachment. But, in my spiritual practice, there’s no place for choosing hatred. (Which isn’t to say it doesn’t happen sometimes, but then the practice is to bring the same care and skillful effort to that as well.)
Thank you for sharing the Buddhist perspective Dana, that is so interesting x
I love every part of this, only a little pun intended. We had to read a book in school called Focusing...it sounds awfully similar to what you are describing. I have a hard time when that voice comes up to drink, I usually get mad at it and ask it why it’s here instead of being compassionate it, allowing it, and setting the boundary. Thanks you for this.
Ah was the book by Eugene Gendlin? He was the one who 'discovered' Focusing and wrote a book about it, which I haven't yet read. But I've done a few workshops and courses on Focusing and I just love it.
And I totally relate to being mad at that voice - it's so understandable. I would love to hear what it feels like to bring it compassion the next time it pops up x
YES! It was bothering, I could see the cover in my head and everything. Your post makes me want to go read it again, because I had a hard time connecting with the concept the first time, and now I’m in such a different space, I think I would love it.
I’ve found it’s so helpful to practice it with other people too, that might help you connect more with it too ❤️
I will look into that, I can see that being so helpful.
I’m taking this approach now using the IFS paradigm and there’s no going back. It works far better for me than anything ever has. Thank you for writing this. If it’s controversial, I hope it’s not long until that changes.
Oh yes I am familiar with IFS though haven't practiced it myself. It sounds like it has a lot in common with Focusing and the compassionate approach to welcoming and loving all parts of ourselves. I'm so glad you found it and it has been so helpful Natalie x
Beautiful, Beautiful, Beautiful!!! Self Compassion & Love are truly what we truly need to fill that bottomless hole in our heart & soul 💞
This was so well written. Really brought out loving your critic so well, especially as it applies to addictions. Kudos to you.
Thank you so much Isaiah x
This is so wonderful Ellie, this makes me think of my favourite ‘circuit breaker’ when it comes to any challenge in my life, particularly internal challenges… ‘what would love do?’ And I find when I come to that question it always makes me pause and react in a way more compassionate response. These parts truly do want the ‘best’ for us in their own way. I have always wanted to dive further into IFS and parts work to explore all of this deeper. Another thing for my list!!! Xxx
‘What would love do’ is such a beautiful guiding principle. Just thinking of it makes me want to pause and breathe and connect deeply to myself.
Yes I haven’t dived into IFS myself but it looks like it would resonate with me. I’ve found Focusing so helpful to be compassionate to whatever parts are arising in the moment x
This approach certainly works better for me than the angry, judgmental, harsh one. Thank you for reminding us.
Made me cry with this one. ❤️🥹 thank you. The kindness we desperate seek in that feeling of relief is exactly this.
So glad it resonated with you Shannon x
I love this, Ellie. Here's to loving all parts of us ❤️ even, and especially, the addictive voice.
Yes ❤️
THIS is everything. I was sitting down to write a piece about Bigger Love and this couldn't have been more perfectly timed. My experience playing with this involved my 6 year old struggling BIG time with going to a chess class. So much so she vomited as several teachers pried her fingers off the door frame. So we spent time talking to the Part of her that didn't want to go. She immediately identified it, named it, and acknowledged where it was coming from. It was scared and trying to keep her safe. She had little conversations with it on her own, told me the Part got much more quiet, and suddenly chess class was easy peasy. So thank you for recognizing an area where love is simply needed and sharing that with the world.
Cara this is amazing! Wow. My little boy is only 3 so I’ve yet to try this with him but I’m so inspired by your experience x
Fantastic post, Ellie. Thank you for sharing. I often tell my Inner Critic, who I've named Tiffany, to shut up when she gets loud. "Shut it, Tiff." Saying that makes me giggle because it's silly and that takes me out of the spiral so I can get curious and ask - what do I need right now? It's a blend of the two methods I suppose.
Love to hear that Katie, and brilliant that that is what works for you :) Also love that it takes the seriousness out of it all! I need more of that.
Hi Ellie. Great perspective. Things we hate still have power over us, so let’s turn it on its head and love the urge—it’s only a messenger. I look at urges from my very biological framework— they’re historic nerve signals from old habit loops. But I take the power away too, just like your way. An urge is just a message that something’s not right, so let’s take stock of what that could be. This is another case of ‘you see 6, I see 9, but we’re looking at the same number’. Thank you.
Yes - the urge is a messenger! Thank you for sharing your perspective Adam x