Could I be a beacon of light?
My life-changing journey through darkness to sober coaching
Last Sunday morning, I woke early in my Airbnb, ready for the second day of my sober coaching course with Janey Lee Grace. With divine timing, an email from
had landed in my inbox. It read:“You didn't come to this place to just stop drinking. You came to this place to take your place as a teacher. To transform yourself into the beacon of light that you are. To claim your inheritance. So that everyone else can claim their inheritance.”
Holly Whitaker, The 40 Day Mantra Project, day 38
I felt warmth fill my heart and flow through my whole body. I was exactly where I was meant to be.
Five years ago, I was sitting cross-legged in a yoga studio in Putney with a small group of people. We were on the first day of a personal development weekend, and we were writing down our deepest wishes for ourselves. I wrote: to become a beacon of light for others.
It was something I so dearly hoped for, but it felt so very far away. Hardly possible. Audacious, even. I was still wrapped up in so much shame, still asking myself the question I’d been asking since I was a little kid: ‘why would anyone like me?’
Why would anyone like me, let alone see me as a beacon of light?
Yet that idea was there. That hope was there, small and barely believable as it was.
I was well on my way to freeing myself from alcohol and I had been seeing for myself whether people would like me sober. The real me, not the ‘me’ hidden behind the fog of alcohol. I went to parties sober; lunches, dinners, weddings - all the social events that before I would have been terrified to show up just as myself. And it turned out that, yes - those people who cared about me, loved me, who had never asked me to be anyone other than who I was - did seem to like the real me.
It was agonising at first; like having no clothes on. Nothing to hide behind. But the more I showed up sober, the easier it got. And the more I saw that it was safe to show up as me, the more it seemed that the belief I had been holding for so long - that I was unlovable, defective and hateful - wasn’t true.
I was learning so much in those days, and un-learning so many beliefs I held about myself. I was also exploring our culture’s prevailing beliefs about alcohol - namely, that it’s the elixir of life and the source of joy, relaxation and connection rather than being the exact opposite of all these things.
There was something in me - a little glimmer of something that believed in me - something that saw that maybe, one day, I wouldn’t just escape from the darkness; I could actually be a light for others. A guide.
Someone who could say: I’ve been there. I’ve been through it. It’s going to be OK.
This dream shone brighter as my journey to sobriety continued. When I discovered what life was like on the other side of alcohol, I was amazed at what I found. Here was a life where I was no longer trapped in misery. Where I no longer had days of spiralling into unworthiness and depression, anxiety clutching at my heart.
Here was a life I no longer wanted to escape from.
One where I could feel such pure and simple joy hearing the song of the blackbird. To feel endless gratitude for the beating of my heart, keeping me alive. A life where I had nurtured a loving inner voice and found ways to truly take care of myself.
And I wanted to share this with others.
To free others from shame and fear that keeps people trapped in using alcohol - when there is so much joy, connection, love and true freedom waiting for them on the other side.
At the beginning of 2020 I was exploring a few options after leaving my job in fundraising and studying for a Creative and Life Writing MA at Goldsmiths. Perhaps I would teach creative writing to children, or learn to play crystal sound bowls? (I genuinely wanted to do that - I love a crystal sound bath!) But the more I was learning and discovering on my sobriety journey, the more I realised that THIS was it. This was what I was meant to give back to the world.
My path to training as a coach took the backseat for a few years after I gave birth to my son in November 2020. I was floored by over two years of broken sleep and the pressures of caring for an active toddler as a highly sensitive person. But in June last year I felt I was finally emerging from the underworld of early motherhood. I signed up to train with Julie Parker at the Beautiful You Coaching Academy and completed my life coaching training last month.
Since last summer, I have been volunteering as a peer mentor at Sober Mom Squad, supporting mothers to find freedom from alcohol, by sharing my experiences and everything I’ve learned on my own journey. It fills my heart with joy to offer empathy and compassion to women who are just beginning their sober journeys.
Last weekend I began my sober coaching training with a group of kind and inspiring people I was honoured to meet in person. In a few months time, I will be supporting people on perhaps the most transformative journey they will ever go on.
Last weekend, these words from
landed for me at the absolute perfect time - as I was stepping forward into the career, the work, the purpose that had always been within me:“As you walk this path, as you have days where you say "Why me???" or days where you feel you cannot or days where you feel you are less or days where you feel small or like there is absolutely no point...come back to this knowing.
“That you are here, reading this, because you have a very big job to do. That you were given these experiences not to suffer, but to burn through them and rise.
“That you heard the call from the Universe to help the Universe heal. And you are answering. And you are answering by waking up. And by growing up.
“You are a teacher. And this whole drinking thing that fucked your shit up is just the introductory course you take along the way, just the first invitation. You've got work to do here.”
Reading this, I feel a surge of energy. And such a big, hand-on-heart, tears in my eyes YES. That little glimmer that pulled me through so much pain and darkness is now a light filling my body, and I’m burning bright.
Thank you for witnessing me. I’m so glad you’re here.
If you’re interested in sober coaching with me, please do send me a message or fill out this form. You can ask me to let you know when I have coaching slots available or you might have other questions. I’d love to hear from you.
I’d love to know - have you had similar glimmers that have pulled you through difficult times?
Or have you felt similarly moved when you connected to your bigger ‘yes’?
Let me know in the comments below.
It was great to work with you, look forward to seeing the magic you create!
I am so exited for you to continue on this journey and support other people! It is much needed work and you are the one to do it, because you have been there. It is beautiful to witness.