This is such a powerful description of grief and the struggles we have as a culture in knowing how to be with it. Thank you for sharing your story in such a vivid, raw and relatable way. I hit up against my own grief crisis when I was unable to have children and this was my portal into making peace with grief. Tears now flow much more fluidly in my life, along with joy and love and the whole wild spectrum of emotion. If there is one thing I could teach the world it would be exactly what you describe - just to be with our emotions with softness and compassion and allow them to move through.
Thank you so much for your beautiful words Vicki, and for sharing your own experience with grief, which must have been so deeply painful. Thank you for your wisdom x
Thank you Ellie. Your essay is powerful and, in sharing your vulnerability and story it feels like you are holding space with us. In allowing us to witness your pain it feels as if, you too, are seeing each of ours. It feels as if this has created an opening inside of me, a softness I can sink into.
The other thing this piece offers is the nudge for us to do better in light of someone else’s loss. Perhaps they need us to stand with them in solidarity, not that we can feel their pain, and certainly not that we can take it away, but we can meet their eyes with our own and in doing so convey our humanity and sadness that they are hurting.
Rejecting another person’s space to feel grief is an act of selfishness. It sends the message that you will only value a curated version of their truth. I found this story very interesting. I’m a posthumous child - my father died suddenly when my mother didn’t even know she was pregnant. There seems to be very little work out there on what that actually feels like, given that statistically there must be quite a few of us around, particularly in the aftermath of violent conflict which tends to kill more men than women. All my life, I’ve wondered if you can grieve for someone you never knew. And also - and this is perhaps why the situation isn’t talked about very much - how it feels for a woman to stare into her baby’s face and see the partner she has lost. We like to think the surviving child brings comfort and hope, but in fact that isn’t what children are able to do. I think my mother would have recovered much sooner and more completely without me. She’s not around now so I can’t ask her, and in any case I don’t think I’d get an honest answer.
Ellie, thank you for sharing your experience of grief so honestly - it's not easy to talk about it and unpack it all. You are so right in what you say about society not knowing how to deal with grief and it being something that we should turn away from. When, like you say, turning towards it means you can process it and deal with it better. I found that when I literally sat in my grief when my Dad passed away, it was hard but there was also something beautiful and cathartic about it too. It's so true when they say that 'grief is just love with nowhere to go' - I think that helps us feel less scared of turning towards it. One of my friend's recently lost her mum and even though I've been through my Dad passing away, it's still hard for me to know what to say or how to help, because everyone's experience of grief is so different too.
Yes, I've heard that said about grief too. It's so true. It definitely makes it less scary. It's an innocent feeling, so connected to love. I'm so sorry you lost your Dad, and what a gift to be able to feel that grief and love for him. And yes I really get that it's hard to know what to say. Do you know what I've found: that actually saying 'I don't know what to say' is so much better than saying nothing, and I've actually found it really reassuring when people say that because it's so honest and it reflects the magnitude of what you're experiencing. Especially when I contrast that with people who try the 'look on the bright side' approach which is the opposite of comforting!
I’m not sure I can begin to describe how much this touch me and how much grief is rising up in response to it. I am finding so many similar points in our stories and every time I read something you write, I genuinely look back at my past and wonder about something new. I never realized how terrified I was of my grief when my dad passed as a kid, and I never thought my reaching for alcohol had anything to do with that. I have a lot to sit with. Thank you for writing so honestly, vulnerably, and beautifully. Thank you for sharing Nici, I cannot wait to check out her work.
Emma, thank you for sharing this. I'm so moved. I'm so glad that reading my story and how I've made sense of things has brought things to light for you, though I really hear how hard that is and the grief it has brought up for you xxx
There is part of me that doesn’t want to start another day in tears but at the same time- the tears are the evidence that I’m in pain and that no matter how hard we try to run or hide from it- grief is always there. Thank you for sharing your beautiful writing and thoughts as always Ellie. I deeply appreciate your honesty and your journey with grief gives me hope. Sending lots of love M xxxx
You are so welcome Michelle. And yes I really hear you - grief can be so incredibly hard to be with and sometimes we just want a break from it. I feel so moved that my journey has given you hope. So much love xxx
Hi Ellie, thank you for sharing your evolving relationship with grief. Yes, mainstream notions of grief are largely steeped in societal teachings to fear death. My Substack is about grief, gratitude, love and laughter … which explores the gifts that grief can bring. The writing came out of processing grief. 🥰🤗💜
Thank you for sharing this Simone - I am so glad you are also shining a light on grief and bringing your experience out into the world through your words x
Hi Ellie, thank you for sharing your evolving relationship with grief. Yes, mainstream notions of grief are largely steeped in societal teachings to fear death. My Substack is about grief, gratitude, love and laughter … which explores the gifts that grief can bring. The writing came out of processing grief. 🥰🤗💜
Stunning share here, Ellie. So real and raw. Thank you. For helping me remember it's OK to cry, to mourn, to feel the pangs of grief - and to honor it as a form of love. Damn I needed that reminder today. So thank you. Sincerely.
Thank you so much for this. I lost my mom 18 years ago and my dad 10 years ago. I spent the last 10 years mostly drunk. I've been sober now since Oct 31st, 2022. I know now that alot of my drinking was to cope with the loss and to cope with losing the mother that I had always wished she would be. She was an addict and I spent the last 18 years being angry with her. Now I know she was as sick as I am and now I'm working on forgiving her. As I enjoy the relationship I have with my own grown daughter, I have come to appreciate how impactful it is to be a woman without a mother. Luckily I've grown a community of women who help with that void. Thanks again for sharing, this really touched me.
Traci, thank you so much for sharing this. You have walked with so much grief and loss. Drinking to cope was a completely understandable response. Celebrating you for your sobriety - as I well know, getting sober takes enormous courage. I am so glad you are connected to a community of women - I really relate to that as a source of support. Close female friendships, and also regularly going to women's circles, has been really transformative for me. So much love to you Traci x
Ellie - this piece moved me so much. You capture the pain and the beauty of grief so well. How it can wreak us then break us open to new possibilities.
My dad died in March of 2020 - the same month the world essentially shut down. And I was catapulted into so much grief - losing him while simultaneously losing all semblance of normalcy. Alcohol was how I always coped. And I kicked it up into high gear that year. It’s truly when the wheels came off.
I have been sober since Jan of 2021. And what has become so apparent to me is how much grief work is involved with recovery. We grieve our former self, our old way of getting through the world. Our lost or changed friendships. For me, quite honestly, I am grieving the loss of my marriage even though I am still married. Because my marriage will never be the same. Drinking was our love language. Things are so different now. And it makes my husband so uncomfortable to talk about it. The same way people squirm when we want to talk about grief. The knee jerk reaction is to look away. Don’t stare at it. Grief. Recovery. Alcoholism. People don’t want to touch them. The elephants in the room.
So coming here and reading your beautiful and brave words makes me feel so seen. Because I get it. I feel it, too. And I feel so damn lucky to be able to hold my grief and not ignore it.
Allison there is so much truth in what you say - thank you so much for naming the many forms of grief we can experience. So many different kinds of losses. Celebrating your incredible courage in getting sober, and making that brave and loving decision to hold your grief rather than ignore it. x
Hi Elle. This is a beautiful piece of writing. I met you as a young 19 year old travelling in Peru with your brother. I saw your pain and your coping mechanisms on that trip and my heart went out to you then. And it still does as when I read your beautiful self aware prose. But I also see how far you have come…still vulnerable but with so much strength, grace, bravery and wisdom. Grief tears our souls and our very beings apart and we try to put ourselves back together again as best we can in what can sometimes feel like a world full of people who do not understand that grief. But we do our best. And Ellie I think you have done wonderfully well…and will continue to do so. Love to the Young Ellie I met in Peru, love to the Ellie who is today; and love to the future Ellie who I look forward to meeting still.
As always your words move me deeply Ellie. The first time I really allowed myself to feel grief was when my husband and I separated and it frightened me if I’m honest because I felt so out of control, and then gradually I saw the love hidden in the waves and the howls and the full body experience of it. While it wasn’t grief through the loss of a loved one, it was grief for the loss of versions of my self and my life was forever changed. I’ve since journeyed with grief of self in many ways through motherhood and it has enabled me to feel more deeply in all areas of my life. That’s definitely not comfortable, in fact I would say it is excruciating at times, but then that is what being fully alive is about isn’t it? Being in our entire humanness. Thank you for opening your heart through words to us. Xxx
Oh yes, Lauren, I feel this so much. There are so many other things we grieve for in life - especially in these times when our lives are changed forever, as you say. Motherhood has brought up SO much grief for me. And oh my gosh yes it can be excruciating. It's as powerful as love, and so deeply connected to love. Thank you so much for sharing your own experience. This was one of those pieces where I felt scared to press 'post'! So I really appreciate you reading and connecting with it xxx
Thanks for sharing this, and I really recognize society's pressure to keep it together and not share your grief. Although then people also find it weird if you appear to be 'over it' too soon... I sought a therapist to help me grieve my divorce, and stayed with her when my mom died last year. She had me quite methodically write what I had been thankful for, was angry and sad about, what I would take with me and what I would leave behind.
Thank you for sharing your experiences Danielle- yes I really relate to what you share here, and in your piece: locking grief away because, as you say, you can't really schedule a time to feel it - and often don't want to! Also thank you for mentioning your grief for your marriage. There is so much in life we grieve for, so many changes and losses and even for things we never had.
One of the times when I knew that my relationship with alcohol had reached a new, even more awful level was during a winter of being left and divorce. At the time, drinking wine with dinner was the only way I knew to get through the grief and deep dread of each day. And, of course, it only made everything worse. Similar to you, This Naked Mind was life changing for me. Annie Grace’s program and book, along with Holly Whitaker’s former program, got me to a place where I felt ready to face life - grief included - without alcohol. So grateful for those teachers and guides.
Thank you so much Dana, and thank you for sharing your experience too with using alcohol to try and cope with grief. It such an understandable thing to do. And yes, like you, I'm so thankful for Holly and Annie and their life-changing work x
This is such a powerful description of grief and the struggles we have as a culture in knowing how to be with it. Thank you for sharing your story in such a vivid, raw and relatable way. I hit up against my own grief crisis when I was unable to have children and this was my portal into making peace with grief. Tears now flow much more fluidly in my life, along with joy and love and the whole wild spectrum of emotion. If there is one thing I could teach the world it would be exactly what you describe - just to be with our emotions with softness and compassion and allow them to move through.
Thank you so much for your beautiful words Vicki, and for sharing your own experience with grief, which must have been so deeply painful. Thank you for your wisdom x
Thank you Ellie. Your essay is powerful and, in sharing your vulnerability and story it feels like you are holding space with us. In allowing us to witness your pain it feels as if, you too, are seeing each of ours. It feels as if this has created an opening inside of me, a softness I can sink into.
The other thing this piece offers is the nudge for us to do better in light of someone else’s loss. Perhaps they need us to stand with them in solidarity, not that we can feel their pain, and certainly not that we can take it away, but we can meet their eyes with our own and in doing so convey our humanity and sadness that they are hurting.
Donna thank you so much for your beautiful words - this was exactly my intention with this piece.
Rejecting another person’s space to feel grief is an act of selfishness. It sends the message that you will only value a curated version of their truth. I found this story very interesting. I’m a posthumous child - my father died suddenly when my mother didn’t even know she was pregnant. There seems to be very little work out there on what that actually feels like, given that statistically there must be quite a few of us around, particularly in the aftermath of violent conflict which tends to kill more men than women. All my life, I’ve wondered if you can grieve for someone you never knew. And also - and this is perhaps why the situation isn’t talked about very much - how it feels for a woman to stare into her baby’s face and see the partner she has lost. We like to think the surviving child brings comfort and hope, but in fact that isn’t what children are able to do. I think my mother would have recovered much sooner and more completely without me. She’s not around now so I can’t ask her, and in any case I don’t think I’d get an honest answer.
Ellie, thank you for sharing your experience of grief so honestly - it's not easy to talk about it and unpack it all. You are so right in what you say about society not knowing how to deal with grief and it being something that we should turn away from. When, like you say, turning towards it means you can process it and deal with it better. I found that when I literally sat in my grief when my Dad passed away, it was hard but there was also something beautiful and cathartic about it too. It's so true when they say that 'grief is just love with nowhere to go' - I think that helps us feel less scared of turning towards it. One of my friend's recently lost her mum and even though I've been through my Dad passing away, it's still hard for me to know what to say or how to help, because everyone's experience of grief is so different too.
Yes, I've heard that said about grief too. It's so true. It definitely makes it less scary. It's an innocent feeling, so connected to love. I'm so sorry you lost your Dad, and what a gift to be able to feel that grief and love for him. And yes I really get that it's hard to know what to say. Do you know what I've found: that actually saying 'I don't know what to say' is so much better than saying nothing, and I've actually found it really reassuring when people say that because it's so honest and it reflects the magnitude of what you're experiencing. Especially when I contrast that with people who try the 'look on the bright side' approach which is the opposite of comforting!
I’m not sure I can begin to describe how much this touch me and how much grief is rising up in response to it. I am finding so many similar points in our stories and every time I read something you write, I genuinely look back at my past and wonder about something new. I never realized how terrified I was of my grief when my dad passed as a kid, and I never thought my reaching for alcohol had anything to do with that. I have a lot to sit with. Thank you for writing so honestly, vulnerably, and beautifully. Thank you for sharing Nici, I cannot wait to check out her work.
Emma, thank you for sharing this. I'm so moved. I'm so glad that reading my story and how I've made sense of things has brought things to light for you, though I really hear how hard that is and the grief it has brought up for you xxx
There is part of me that doesn’t want to start another day in tears but at the same time- the tears are the evidence that I’m in pain and that no matter how hard we try to run or hide from it- grief is always there. Thank you for sharing your beautiful writing and thoughts as always Ellie. I deeply appreciate your honesty and your journey with grief gives me hope. Sending lots of love M xxxx
You are so welcome Michelle. And yes I really hear you - grief can be so incredibly hard to be with and sometimes we just want a break from it. I feel so moved that my journey has given you hope. So much love xxx
Hi Ellie, thank you for sharing your evolving relationship with grief. Yes, mainstream notions of grief are largely steeped in societal teachings to fear death. My Substack is about grief, gratitude, love and laughter … which explores the gifts that grief can bring. The writing came out of processing grief. 🥰🤗💜
Thank you for sharing this Simone - I am so glad you are also shining a light on grief and bringing your experience out into the world through your words x
🙏😊
Hi Ellie, thank you for sharing your evolving relationship with grief. Yes, mainstream notions of grief are largely steeped in societal teachings to fear death. My Substack is about grief, gratitude, love and laughter … which explores the gifts that grief can bring. The writing came out of processing grief. 🥰🤗💜
Stunning share here, Ellie. So real and raw. Thank you. For helping me remember it's OK to cry, to mourn, to feel the pangs of grief - and to honor it as a form of love. Damn I needed that reminder today. So thank you. Sincerely.
Thank you so much Katie. I'm so grateful that this resonated with you and gave you the reminder you needed to be with your tears and your grief x
Beautiful share ❤️
Thank you Hannah x
Thank you so much for this. I lost my mom 18 years ago and my dad 10 years ago. I spent the last 10 years mostly drunk. I've been sober now since Oct 31st, 2022. I know now that alot of my drinking was to cope with the loss and to cope with losing the mother that I had always wished she would be. She was an addict and I spent the last 18 years being angry with her. Now I know she was as sick as I am and now I'm working on forgiving her. As I enjoy the relationship I have with my own grown daughter, I have come to appreciate how impactful it is to be a woman without a mother. Luckily I've grown a community of women who help with that void. Thanks again for sharing, this really touched me.
Traci, thank you so much for sharing this. You have walked with so much grief and loss. Drinking to cope was a completely understandable response. Celebrating you for your sobriety - as I well know, getting sober takes enormous courage. I am so glad you are connected to a community of women - I really relate to that as a source of support. Close female friendships, and also regularly going to women's circles, has been really transformative for me. So much love to you Traci x
Ellie - this piece moved me so much. You capture the pain and the beauty of grief so well. How it can wreak us then break us open to new possibilities.
My dad died in March of 2020 - the same month the world essentially shut down. And I was catapulted into so much grief - losing him while simultaneously losing all semblance of normalcy. Alcohol was how I always coped. And I kicked it up into high gear that year. It’s truly when the wheels came off.
I have been sober since Jan of 2021. And what has become so apparent to me is how much grief work is involved with recovery. We grieve our former self, our old way of getting through the world. Our lost or changed friendships. For me, quite honestly, I am grieving the loss of my marriage even though I am still married. Because my marriage will never be the same. Drinking was our love language. Things are so different now. And it makes my husband so uncomfortable to talk about it. The same way people squirm when we want to talk about grief. The knee jerk reaction is to look away. Don’t stare at it. Grief. Recovery. Alcoholism. People don’t want to touch them. The elephants in the room.
So coming here and reading your beautiful and brave words makes me feel so seen. Because I get it. I feel it, too. And I feel so damn lucky to be able to hold my grief and not ignore it.
Thank you, Ellie 🙏🏼
Allison there is so much truth in what you say - thank you so much for naming the many forms of grief we can experience. So many different kinds of losses. Celebrating your incredible courage in getting sober, and making that brave and loving decision to hold your grief rather than ignore it. x
Hi Elle. This is a beautiful piece of writing. I met you as a young 19 year old travelling in Peru with your brother. I saw your pain and your coping mechanisms on that trip and my heart went out to you then. And it still does as when I read your beautiful self aware prose. But I also see how far you have come…still vulnerable but with so much strength, grace, bravery and wisdom. Grief tears our souls and our very beings apart and we try to put ourselves back together again as best we can in what can sometimes feel like a world full of people who do not understand that grief. But we do our best. And Ellie I think you have done wonderfully well…and will continue to do so. Love to the Young Ellie I met in Peru, love to the Ellie who is today; and love to the future Ellie who I look forward to meeting still.
Oh thank you so much for your words Sharon ❤️xxx
As always your words move me deeply Ellie. The first time I really allowed myself to feel grief was when my husband and I separated and it frightened me if I’m honest because I felt so out of control, and then gradually I saw the love hidden in the waves and the howls and the full body experience of it. While it wasn’t grief through the loss of a loved one, it was grief for the loss of versions of my self and my life was forever changed. I’ve since journeyed with grief of self in many ways through motherhood and it has enabled me to feel more deeply in all areas of my life. That’s definitely not comfortable, in fact I would say it is excruciating at times, but then that is what being fully alive is about isn’t it? Being in our entire humanness. Thank you for opening your heart through words to us. Xxx
Oh yes, Lauren, I feel this so much. There are so many other things we grieve for in life - especially in these times when our lives are changed forever, as you say. Motherhood has brought up SO much grief for me. And oh my gosh yes it can be excruciating. It's as powerful as love, and so deeply connected to love. Thank you so much for sharing your own experience. This was one of those pieces where I felt scared to press 'post'! So I really appreciate you reading and connecting with it xxx
Thanks for sharing this, and I really recognize society's pressure to keep it together and not share your grief. Although then people also find it weird if you appear to be 'over it' too soon... I sought a therapist to help me grieve my divorce, and stayed with her when my mom died last year. She had me quite methodically write what I had been thankful for, was angry and sad about, what I would take with me and what I would leave behind.
But I also wrote this earlier this year: https://daniellecounotte.substack.com/p/the-box-of-grief - about how hard it is to access grieving sometimes.
Thank you for sharing your experiences Danielle- yes I really relate to what you share here, and in your piece: locking grief away because, as you say, you can't really schedule a time to feel it - and often don't want to! Also thank you for mentioning your grief for your marriage. There is so much in life we grieve for, so many changes and losses and even for things we never had.
Such a beautiful, powerful share, Ellie. ❤️
One of the times when I knew that my relationship with alcohol had reached a new, even more awful level was during a winter of being left and divorce. At the time, drinking wine with dinner was the only way I knew to get through the grief and deep dread of each day. And, of course, it only made everything worse. Similar to you, This Naked Mind was life changing for me. Annie Grace’s program and book, along with Holly Whitaker’s former program, got me to a place where I felt ready to face life - grief included - without alcohol. So grateful for those teachers and guides.
Thank you so much Dana, and thank you for sharing your experience too with using alcohol to try and cope with grief. It such an understandable thing to do. And yes, like you, I'm so thankful for Holly and Annie and their life-changing work x