How to cope with cravings, part 1

Meeting them in the moment

Before I discovered This Naked Mind and Annie Grace’s radically different approach to quitting alcohol, the advice I’d been given was: just stop drinking. Just stop. Don’t drink. You know it’s bad for you - so stop. This was the advice I received from family and friends, AA, my GP and the local specialist mental health service.

So I tried. I tried to stop. When a craving came up I would do all I could to use distraction and willpower to try to not drink. The more I tried to distract myself, the louder the craving got. I could manage a few days and then would always give in. I was filled with shame. I thought I was weak. A failure. Doomed forever to be in thrall to this substance that other people seemed to be able to drink in moderation.

And then I learned what was actually going on. I learned about the neuroscience of addiction¹. I learned about how alcohol works on our bodies and brains and exactly why it’s so addictive.² I learned that, rather than being defective in some way, it made complete sense that I’d become addicted to this substance.

I learned that the path to freedom was completely possible and that by relating differently to my thoughts and learning how to take care of myself, I could get to a place where I could be completely free from the desire to drink.³

I mean: wow. Imagine the hope that gave me. At last, I could see a way out. I could have compassion for myself. I could approach sobriety with the understanding that it would take time to change my habits and learn something new.

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Disclaimer: this is intended as information only, aimed at people who have an emotional - not physical - dependence on alcohol. This is not a substitute for medical advice or mental health care. If you suspect you might be physically addicted to alcohol it is dangerous to suddenly stop without medical support. You can take this quiz at Alcohol Change UK to understand your risk levels. Always talk to your doctor before stopping drinking or cutting down to ensure you are doing it safely.

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Key things to remember

• A craving is just a thought. A suggestion from your brain. You don’t have to do what it says!

• A craving lasts anything from 20 seconds to maybe 20 minutes. They can feel really strong but they DO pass.

• Cravings may be stronger in the first week or so as your body gets rid of all the alcohol from your system. Take care of yourself while you get through that period as feeling very tired and rubbish is completely normal. Always speak to a doctor if you have any concerns about your health.

A part of us trying to help

A craving is just a suggestion from your brain. If, for example, you’ve drunk alcohol hundreds or even thousands of times when you feel stressed, then even if you’ve decided to quit drinking, your brain will still - at first - make the suggestion to drink when you feel stressed. This is how our brains are supposed to work: they find solutions to our pain and discomfort. It is not a sign there is anything wrong with us; quite the contrary.

So what’s important is how you now relate to that suggestion. Up until now, you’ve probably taken it as a command that you must follow. Especially if you’ve tried to ignore it or distract yourself and noticed it gets louder and louder. A big part of the relief of drinking is the immediate silencing of the voice that demands that we drink.

Some people like to call it ‘the wine witch’. If that works for you - keep doing it. However, there’s a bit of a problem with that as it implies that the part of us that wants to drink is demonic or evil in some way. When in fact, it is just our innocent brain making a suggestion it thinks will help.

For me, it was a massive ‘aha!’ moment when I realised I could relate to that part of me with kindness and compassion rather than making it ‘bad’ and trying to silence it. Here’s a piece I wrote that explores this more:

Practicing the pause

You can close your eyes and go through these steps, or write it all down.

1. Next time you notice a craving: pause.

2. Notice the thought. You can say to yourself ‘I’m noticing the thought to drink.’

3. Thank it for the suggestion, and set a boundary. ‘Thank you. You think drinking will help me. Drinking won’t help me. I’m not going to drink.’

4. Get curious: what are you feeling? What does your body feel like? What emotions are here? What sensations?

   Tightness? A sense of rushing? Heart racing? Heaviness? Tears?
   Notice your belly, your heart, your throat.

5. What might you need right now?

6. Will alcohol meet that need?

7. Try something other than drink to meet your needs.

8. See if you still have the craving. If you do, try something else.

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Accepting our emotions

If you’re reading this, chances are you either have or are using alcohol to try and cope with your emotions. Alcohol seems to give us relief from painful feelings like stress, anxiety, sadness, anger, grief and loneliness. It suppresses them (unsurprisingly, as alcohol is a sedative). It gives us a little ‘feel-good’ boost. It seems like a great solution in the beginning - until it begins to cause way more emotional suffering than was ever there to begin with.

Most of us weren’t allowed to feel and express our emotions when we were young. Many of us got the message that anything other than being happy and fine was bad and shameful. We may have got the message that our feelings made people uncomfortable, angry or embarrassed. That they caused love to be withdrawn from us.

So we learned to suppress our feelings. And maybe we were able to, maybe we weren’t. But one day we discovered a drug that seemed to make the feelings go away, at least temporarily, and so of course we kept taking that drug.

When we break free from alcohol, we need to learn - for the first time in our lives - that our feelings are allowed to be here. That they aren’t bad or wrong. That they won’t kill us. It is a deeply uncomfortable and difficult process to begin with. That’s why I always say that people who break free from addiction are absolute warriors. Because it requires you to face up to things you have been running from for years. To turn towards parts of yourself that you are afraid of - perhaps you even hate.

But the more you can name them, acknowledge them and allow them to be as they are, the easier it gets. This is a process of learning to love yourself. To trust yourself. To listen to yourself and the wisdom of your own body.

Next time you notice a difficult feeling that triggers the desire to escape, try this:

1. Pause. Put a hand on your heart. Close your eyes. Breathe deeply.

2. If you can, name the feeling. You might say ‘sadness is here’ or ‘I’m noticing that there is a feeling of stress here.’

3. Get curious: where does it live in your body? What sensations are here? What colour or images come to mind when you notice this feeling? What thoughts and stories do you notice? None of this is wrong: it’s just whatever is here.

4. Offer yourself some comfort: give yourself a hug, stroke your arms, put a hand on your heart.

5. Give yourself some words of love: ‘This is really hard right now. This is painful. I care about this suffering. I care about you. I’m right here. I love you.’

6. Ask that part of you: what do you need right now? Perhaps tears need to fall. Perhaps you’d like to journal about it. Perhaps you need to punch a pillow. Maybe you need to move your body - shake or dance. Maybe you need to express your needs to someone. Maybe you need to lie down. Maybe you need to eat or drink. Maybe you want to watch a comedy show. Explore what feels right for you.

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Your Loving List

I recommend this to all my clients: write a Loving List of 10 things you can do instead of drink. These are 10 things that will bring your comfort and joy in the moment. Have this list ready so you can refer to it as soon as a craving pops up.

Some ideas for you:

• Go outside for a walk in nature

• Have a warm bath

• Do some star jumps

• Dance

• Yoga

• Meditate

• Read a book

• Message or call a friend

• Watch a comedy show

• Eat or drink something delicious

• Give yourself a hug, put your hand on your heart
  

You might want to have a separate ‘comfort list’ and ‘joy list’. You might want to write one with indoor activities, and one with outdoor. You might want to write one with things you can do if you’re looking after the kids, and one for when you’re on your own. Get curious, experiment, explore for yourself. Everyone’s loving lists will be unique and personal.

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It’s OK if you drink

Rather than saying to myself ‘you’re not allowed to drink!’ I did the opposite: I took the pressure of. I said: ‘Ellie, you can still drink if you really need to. Just try a couple of other things first.’ And that actually made it much less likely I’d drink because I wasn’t using willpower. I was being curious rather than perfectionistic.

If you do drink, it’s not a problem. It’s a great opportunity to be curious and aware. Notice how the alcohol smells and tastes. Notice how you feel. Afterwards, reflect: did it do what you hoped it would? Did it meet your needs? How did you feel the day after?

This is not an overnight thing. This journey takes time, patience, practice and repetition. Rather than perfectionism and shame, you’re going to need curiosity and lots of self-compassion. The fact that you are willing and trying to make a change is AMAZING. Keep going, you’re doing great.

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I’d love to know…

• What has helped you manage cravings? How do you understand and relate to them?

• Do you have any questions about what I’ve shared here?

Let me know in the comments.

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1:1 sober coaching

If what I’ve shared here resonates with you, you might be interested in 1:1 coaching with me. I offer one month and three month packages of support, all online through Zoom and WhatsApp and email support in between calls.

Here are some words from women who it has been an absolute joy to work with:

“My deepest wish for myself was to feel peace. I was sick of the internal struggle of whether to drink or not to drink. I have that peace now. I understand how to handle urges, triggers and realize that my brain is trying to help me. Understanding my brain and the pull of alcohol on my brain has given me peace and has made me realize that I am not broken.” - Stefanie

“My experience working with Ellie has been transformational. There is still work to be done as I try and work through and learn to manage the cause of the pain, but Ellie has helped me to get to this root cause, rather than trying to just manage the symptoms (the drinking). This awareness has had a huge impact - I'm learning to sit with the feelings I was trying to numb and this has stopped me wanting to drink. This is a subtle but transformational difference to traditional alcohol support which just aims to manage the symptoms.” - Helen

1. I highly recommend The Biology of Desire by Marc Lewis

2. I recommend This Naked Mind by Annie Grace and Alcohol Explained by William Porter

3. Try The Little Book of Big Change by Amy Johnson and The Easy Way to Quit Drinking by Allen Carr