Healing in community
How to find real safety with people who understand
An attempt to find safety
I’ve heard it said that addiction is an attempt to find safety in the body.
Trying to find a sense of safety in the moment. Trying to regulate ourselves when we feel scared, lonely, overwhelmed. That was certainly true for me. I used alcohol to try to meet my longings, to try to escape the cavernous loneliness within me, but all it did was bring me greater loneliness and separation.
How I longed for people to understand me! How I longed for the feeling of safety that brings.
We need to feel safe with one another
We are relational beings. We are meant to live our lives connected. Hugging and holding one another. Dancing, singing, laughing and crying together. Sharing the tasks of our daily lives as well as opening our hearts and collectively expressing our grief, joy and love.
Yet we live isolated lives nowadays. There’s a lot we are missing, a lot we need but no longer do. Francis Weller has written about this in his incredible book on grief The Wild Edge of Sorrow. And many of us grew up feeling unseen, unheard and deeply alone. So we need to feel safe with people again. We need to rediscover ways to connect with one another.
The first time I went to a women’s circle, I went with the same spirit of curiosity that I did when trying any new things in early sobriety. I didn’t know what to expect, felt quite nervous but thought: well, the worst that can happen is that this will be an interesting experience! Even if it’s not for me, I’ll get something out of it.
On this occasion, what I found was quite remarkable. Sitting with a group of women, sharing our stories without advice or people trying to fix us; laughing, crying and just being together without expectations, was so moving. So healing. I hadn’t known I was missing it until I went to my first circle. And I’ve been going to them ever since.
“I felt welcomed with such warmth and care. This circle offers a safe, confidential and non-judgemental space to explore alcohol, womanhood and the sober journey through shared stories and connection. I’m deeply grateful to be part of this group of inspiring women.”
- Sarah, women’s sobriety circle attendee
Finding people who ‘get it’
And there’s another layer, of course. Not everyone will understand what it’s like to struggle with alcohol. From blame and condemnation at one end, and genial misunderstanding at the other (‘But you’re not that bad! Can’t you just have one?’), it’s hard when we are trying to change our lives but people just don’t get it.
There is such comfort in solidarity. In being with people who do get it. It’s one of the greatest gifts I have, I think - to know what it’s like to struggle with alcohol. And to know what it’s like to come out the other side. It’s such a privilege when people share with me something that they think is shameful or shocking or weird and I nod my head and say: ‘I get it. That’s not weird. It makes sense. I did that too.’
In the women’s circles I hold, my intention is to gather together women who also get it. For people to share in a group and for their voices to be heard, without any attempt to solve, fix or give advice.
For me, the real medicine of going to circle isn’t sharing my own pain, but in hearing the stories of others. In feeling deep humility and connection. In realising we’re all struggling with something, but we’re all sitting here together. And it’s OK.
That, to me, feels like safety. Breathing out. Shoulders relaxing. Tears falling perhaps. Just being allowed to be. Not force a smile or put a positive spin on things. Not share only our success and joys, but the wholeness of our experience.
It’s moving to witness the nodding heads, hands on hearts. The realisation that we are all connected. That we have so much in common. And nothing needs to be fixed - it just needs to be heard.
If this sounds like something that you’d like to experience, I’d love you to join our circle next Wednesday 4 February, 12 - 1:30pm UK time (GMT).
I will only be holding two more of these circles for now (Weds 4 Feb and Weds 4 Mar) before pausing them. So if you’ve been intrigued by the idea of the circle and would like to join, now is the time!
Email me at hello@ellie-nova.com and I’ll book your first circle place for free :)
Words from previous attendees…
“I attended Ellie’s first women’s circle today and couldn’t recommend it more. As someone who has been trying out different tools on the journey to sobriety for a while now, I was both nervous and intrigued to try a women’s circle for the first time. Ellie held space for attendees beautifully, putting us at ease, encouraging us to share as much or as little as we wanted. Her content was inspiring and thoughtful.” - Leanne
“Thanks for today Ellie, it was lovely. When strangers can be so open and vulnerable together there is real healing. I found it really great.” - Helen
“I felt welcomed with such warmth and care. This circle offers a safe, confidential and non-judgemental space to explore alcohol, womanhood and the sober journey through shared stories and connection. I’m deeply grateful to be part of this group of inspiring women.” - Sarah
PS - I’m also holding the last in a series of FREE masterclasses this Friday 11am UK time on creating lasting change in your journey with alcohol. Register for free. Recording sent afterwards.
Here’s some feedback from Tasha who watched the last class on managing cravings and sober socialising:
“It was wonderful, Ellie :) I adore your passion, I loved the way you refer to alcohol as poison - pretty easy to not be tempted to drink poison!
My favourite nuggets of wisdom were the part where you remind people of the self compassion piece - the part of you who wants to drink is not evil! It's this helpful little part that knows you found relief there before. Early sobriety is not the same as late sobriety (reassuring!). And that we all have social anxiety and the alcohol makes us more anxious (and do stupid, dangerous things).'
- Tasha