Finding trust in the midst of change

Five wonderful things #3

I’m finding this hard: endings and uncertainty

At the moment I feel like I am in the painful and scary period of a huge life change. I have stepped into the unknown as I put myself out into the world as a sober coach. So much is uncertain and I can see that I have much to learn.

In a world where there is so much suffering, so much need for doing things a different way, I often feel so powerless and overwhelmed. I remind myself: I cannot solve it all, but I can be one small person making one small difference. This is one way I choose to make that difference. To alchemise all I have learned to support others to break free from alcohol. To forge my own path. Do things my way.

I am feeling the fear of choosing to do things differently. Of following a ‘must’ rather than a ‘should’. Of being self-employed and not having the stability of a salaried job. Of old beliefs and familiar thoughts emerging telling me that I should stay small and play it safe. That these dreams I have are audacious, delusional and impossible.

And yet: this is the work I must do. This is the life I must lead.

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In his book Transitions: making sense of life’s changes William Bridges describes how transitions are never just a new beginning. Instead, they have three parts to them:

1. An ending, which we need to allow ourselves to grieve

2. A liminal space, where things are uncertain and yet much is happening under the surface

3. The new beginning

We often meet the first two with great resistance, disappointed and confused as to why the change has not happened as joyously and easily as we had imagined. In a transition, he says:

‘(F)irst there is an ending, then a beginning, and an important empty or fallow time in between. This is the order of things in nature. Leaf fall, winter, and then the green emerges again from the dry brown wood.

Human affairs flow along similar channels, or they would if we were better able to stay in that current. But endings make us fearful. They break our connection with the setting in which we have come to know ourselves, and they awaken old memories of hurt and shame.’

My inner critic has loomed large and loud these past few weeks. I know it is frightened and wants to keep me safe. My mind has quickly tried to find solutions: should I give up and get a ‘proper’ job?

But as always, the answer is not to look outside of myself, but to turn to what is within. To sit with the grief and the fear, as painful as it is. To welcome it all, as hard as that is.

What is needed in this time? Words that come to me:

Trust
Surrender
Stillness
Grace

It is comforting to know Bridge’s description of transitions. And how normal and necessary it is to experience the grief of an ending as things change dramatically in our lives. As painful as it is to face the death of a part of ourselves or a way we have been living, he reminds us:

‘Endings are the first, not the last, act of the play.’

I’m grateful for: inspiring women

I’m grateful to those who have gone before me. Those who have chosen a different path for their careers and lives. Who have chosen to work and live on their own terms.

I wouldn’t have had the bravery to completely change my career - from working in fundraising to becoming a sober coach - were it not for seeing so many women showing me it was possible. I don’t want to play small. I want to live my life bold and brave. I want to make a difference in the world.

Thank you to some of the women who helped stoke this fire within me five years ago:

Lauren Barber

, Joanne Bradford, Kimberly Ann Johnson, Annie Grace, Sakina Ballard, Natasha Lythgoe.

Also I must credit the career book What Colour is Your Parachute? by Richard N. Bolles and my friend Michelle Mangal. It was during our sessions going through the exercises that clarity truly came for me.

Three things I love

• The Do Lectures. This one - Stop Caring What Other People Think - was exactly what I needed to hear. If you’re someone who thinks differently and needs some reassurance you’re on the right track, I urge you to give it a watch.

• Deja Hartsfield at Radical Sobriety is an essential voice in recovery world, shining a light on the intersection of white supremacy and racism with addiction.

• Loved

  Eliza Butler
  ’s recent post Going to therapy isn’t going to heal your trauma, on how important it is to bring in supportive practices to our daily lives.

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Have you navigated a big career change or life transition? And have you, too, experienced the grief of an ending, and the liminal space of the unknown?

I would love to hear your experience and your wisdom.

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